I Did What I Had To Do
by KimberlyJordan
Summary: It's 2001. Rayna and Teddy are having marital issues. Maddie is about to turn 2. Deacon is suddenly back in their lives after a 2 year absence.
1. Chapter 1

"I QUIT! I DO EXACTLY WHAT SHE ASKS, AND IT ISN'T RIGHT! FIND YOURSELF A NEW BAND LEADER!" Garret McGavock yelled at Bucky as he grabbed his guitar, gig bag, and stormed out of the rehearsal hall in a huff

"Garret, wait, please?" Bucky pleaded as he ran after him

"Sorry, Buck. I just couldn't get the right groove with him. I don't know what it is." Rayna apologized as Bucky came back looking tired, and irritated

"Rayna, that's the 3rd band leader you've run off in less than 2 months. You're getting a reputation for being difficult to work with. It's getting hard for me to get anyone in here." Bucky sighed

"I'm sorry. I just can't seem to find anyone that just clicks, ya know?"

"You mean, like Dea…."

"Don't even say it, Buck! That's not the problem!" Rayna snapped before he could utter Deacon Claybourne's name

"I hear he's back in town, and looking for work. Merle and Waylon's people have nothing but good things to say about him. He was 100% a professional out on tour with them."

"Deacon's back in Nashville?" Rayna asked surprised. He'd been gone almost 2 years touring with Merle Haggard, Waylon Jennings, and some of country music's greats.

"Wait, How do you know he's back?" she asked

"I checked, OK. Talked to his manager yesterday. Just so happens he's been back almost a month. He's looking for his next tour."

"You didn't…"

"No, no…of course not. I asked them not to tell him I even called until I had a chance to talk to you first."

"I dunno, Buck! We haven't even talked in almost 2 years. Our last chat wasn't exactly amicable. I doubt he'd even consider it."

"Only one way to find out." Bucky smiled holding out his cell phone

"I can't just call him outta the blue. Do me a favor? Call his manager back. Just casually see if you can gage his interest. I need to pick up Maddie. Call me later. Let me know what he says."

"Sure, Rayna. Have a good night." Bucky called after her as she rushed out of the rehearsal hall to pick up her toddler from the babysitter

"Thanks Buck. You're the best." She called back from the doorway

"Hi, baby girl. Did you have a good day?" Rayna smiled at the dark haired little girl as she strapped her into her car seat

Maddie was jabbering away in the backseat as Rayna drove home to Belle Meade. At almost 2 years old, Maddie was the spitting image of her father. Rayna swallowed a lump as she watched Maddie in the rear view mirror, and listened to her little voice as she tried to sing along to the radio.

"Daddy, daddy!" Maddie excitedly screamed as Rayna put her down in the driveway

"Hey, How's my baby girl? I've missed you soo much." Teddy knelt to scoop the little girl into his arms as she ran to him

"I think she missed you." Rayna smiled as Teddy kissed her cheek

"I've missed both my girls. What's been going on the past week around here?" he asked

"Oh, not much. I scared another band leader away today. I think Bucky's about to kill me." Rayna tried to laugh

"Yeah, well, you'll find the right one. What do we want to do for dinner tonight?" Teddy asked as they walked into the kitchen, changing the subject. He was never much interested in discussing the music business or Rayna's work.

"How was your business trip?" Rayna asked, trying to sound interested. She was about as interested in his work as he was in the music business

"Not great. I didn't get the investors. I really thought this one would work out." He replied sadly

Rayna didn't say much, but Teddy knew she wasn't happy. He'd made a series of bad investments recently and their finances weren't in the best place. She'd taken 18 months off after Maddie was born. Teddy said he had their finances under control. She could be a stay at home mom for the first couple years of Maddie's life. He'd kept their money problems from Rayna until recently.

"Hey, it's all gonna work out. We'll be OK." Teddy wrapped his arms around her as she pulled the roast she'd left in the crock pot out for dinner

"Let's just sit down and try to have a nice family dinner, OK. You've been gone a week. Maddie missed you." Rayna tried to smile

"What about you, Rayna? Did you miss me?" he asked pointedly

"I'm doing the best I can. I'm sorry it's not good enough." He stormed up the stairs when she didn't answer

Rayna fed Maddie and cleaned up the kitchen. Around 8pm she started Maddie's bedtime routine of a bath, a story, and a few songs as the little girl drifted off to sleep.

Rayna watched as she slept for nearly an hour. She was looking so much like Deacon as she got older. Rayna even thought she noticed some of his mannerisms in Maddie's facial expressions and movements.

She sighed as she quietly left the room. Teddy was in bed surrounded by paperwork, his laptop in front of him on his lap.

"There's leftover roast if you're hungry." She said as she passed through the bedroom into the master bath to get ready for bed

"I'm not hungry!" he flatly replied as she closed the door

She'd been in the tub soaking her worries away for nearly 45 minutes when her cell phone chirped on the night stand.

Teddy glanced at the clock. It was after 10pm. He grabbed her phone wondering who'd be texting her now.

 _Bucky Dawes_

 _Sorry so late. Deacon was tied up with some session work. He just got back to me. He's in. We'll meet to discuss the particulars tomorrow 10am._

Teddy was fuming when Rayna came out of the bathroom in a bathrobe, hair wrapped in a towel. She sat at her vanity table applying moisturizer, unaware he was even upset about anything more than their usual fights about money, her going back on tour, and her disinterest in him since Maddie's birth.

She dryed her hair, and slipped between the sheets facing the wall, away from her husband.

Teddy decided to try a different approach, rather than getting all worked up and mad, causing an unnecessary fight. Rayna had loved that quality about him early on.

He wasn't a yeller, or a brooder. Teddy rarely raised his voice. He preferred to discuss things calmly, and work together for a solution. So much different than what Rayna had been used to with Deacon.

Deacon, however, even being absent from their lives for nearly 2 years now, was the one subject that could instantly make Teddy's blood boil.

"I'm sorry I've been distant tonight." Teddy apologized kissing the back of Rayna's neck as she faced the wall

"I'm sorry your deal didn't go well." Rayna replied with no reaction to his neck kisses

"I've missed you." He whispered nibbling her ear

"Teddy, it's been a long, not so great day. I just wanna sleep, OK?" Rayna asked with more irritation in her voice than intended

"I've been gone a week. You can't even kiss me goodnight?" he asked, flopping back to his own side of the bed, hurt and angry

"I'm sorry. I just have a lot on my mind. I love you." She rolled over, giving him a lackluster peck on the lips before facing the wall again

Not one to brood, Teddy went right for the kill. Bucky's text had pissed him off. Rayna's lack of affection was only fueling the fire.

"What exactly is it that's on your mind, Rayna? …or maybe I should say who?" he asked unable to keep the anger from his voice

"What is THAT supposed to mean? What are you accusing me of, Teddy?" Rayna snapped, sitting up in bed

"You got a text from Bucky! I'll be on the couch!" Teddy snapped as he grabbed his pillow and left the room

Rayna sighed as she read Bucky's text. She and Teddy had disagreements. They bickered and argued over money, her touring and time away from home, but always calmly, and rarely did things become heated.

The one subject that could, and always would cause a heated, all out fight with Teddy was, and always had been Deacon Claybourne!


	2. Chapter 2

He parked his truck and shut off the engine in front of the stone cottage in East Nashville. He'd owed the place for years, but until a month ago hadn't been here in nearly 2 years. He thought after that much time had passed things would feel different. Maybe he wouldn't still long for cuddling on the porch swing, watching the sunset with her. No such luck. Every time he pulled up to the house the memories came flooding back.

Willing himself to go in, he climbed the steps. Sometimes he still thought he could smell just a hint of her favorite perfume in the air when he walked in. He half way expected her to come walking out of the bedroom to greet him, like she used to. If he looked around there were still traces of her, and the life they'd once shared here.

A forgotten article of clothing in the back of a closet. A pair of her high heels that once seemed to clutter every inch of every closet floor in the small house.

Her kitchen gadgets that she rarely used, but had to have. The pasta maker she'd used once. She'd joked about homemade spaghetti to keep him from eating it cold from a can the day the contraption was delivered. It now sat collecting dust on the countertop.

Endless piles of notebooks strewn about the living room with her scribbles and ideas for new lyrics. Love letters and pictures mixed in with them, she'd used for inspiration. Aside from the layer of dust that now covered everything, it was just the way she'd left it more than 2 years ago.

He sighed as he removed his jacket and boots near the front door. Dropping the brown bag on the counter, his dinner, he retreated to the bedroom to change into a T shirt and sweats. It wasn't until he padded back out to the kitchen in socks, he noticed the little red light on his answering machine was flashing indicating a new message.

"Hey Deacon, it's Carl. Hope the session went well tonight. Sorry it dragged on so late. They told me you'd be done by six. Anyway, you'll be compensated well for the extra time. They loved you, and hope you'll agree to more work in the future. The main reason I called…I know you're anxious to get back on the road. I'm not sure how you'll feel about this offer, but Bucky Dawes contacted me. Rayna Jaymes is ramping up for a return tour. It seems they're in need of a band leader. Let me know if you're interested. They're in kind of a hurry. Apparently several have already quit and rehearsals are already underway. The tour leaves next month for a 6 month stint, major US cities. Call me tonight if possible. They'd like to set something up for tomorrow morning."

He listened to the message 3 times. She'd fired him two years ago. He'd become too much of a liability. At least that's what Rayna, Bucky, and Marshall Evans, the Edgehill label head told him the day they staged that intervention. Rayna had tearfully told him once he was better, he'd always have a place in her band.

He'd reluctantly gone to rehab. A six month program in a posh, state-of-the-art facility in southern Florida. Beautiful white sand, the ocean, but all he thought about was Rayna. She'd paid for the entire 6 month stay. It was supposed to be one of the best rehab programs in the world. It was his 5th try at getting and staying sober. Two years later it was still working.

Rayna's tearful offer of a place in her band however, never happened. He never heard a word from her the whole time he was in rehab that 5th time. He'd written letters, sent flowers, tried to call. All to no avail.

It wasn't until he was released in the spring of 99, he found out why. She'd moved on, met someone new, got married, and had a two week old baby girl.

He was crushed, angry, and confused how so much had changed in 6 short months. He'd known she'd been seeing Teddy Conrad, but didn't think he was her type. He certainly never thought Rayna would marry someone so much like her father. She despised the country club lifestyle, and hated living in Belle Meade. "Why would she go back to it?" he'd wondered so many times

Tired of the constant camera flashes, media and tabloids parked on his lawn, following him everywhere he'd retreated to their special place. The cabin that was supposed to have been Rayna's dream home. He'd bought it for her just before her first CMA win in the fall of 1998. Their time there had been short lived.

One horrible night he barely remembered. He'd proposed, or so he'd been told. The last thing he remembered was the following morning in a hangover haze, Rayna threw an engagement ring at him. She was crying hysterically, asking why he couldn't just love her enough to stay sober? He'd only been out of rehab from his 4th stint a couple months at the time. Rayna didn't know he was drinking and taking pills again. He'd kept it hidden until that night.

He'd only stayed at the cabin a couple weeks after that 5th stint in rehab. The memories were just too painful. It was supposed to have been their special place, and he'd blown it AGAIN! This time it seemed he'd lost Rayna forever. She had a new life that didn't include him.

He spent countless hours in AA meetings, struggling to stay sober. He may have lost her, but he'd prove to Rayna Jaymes she'd made a mistake. This time he was sober, and planning to stay that way. He focused on his music, eventually agreeing to tours with Merle Haggard and Waylon Jennings. He chose not to come back to Nashville even during breaks. There was nothing to come home to. Two empty houses so filled with memories of Rayna it physically hurt to be there.

Now, two years later he was back with no prospects for tours. The pain of being in Nashville had subsided a little, but his heart still ached for her. He still hoped that maybe somehow, someway they'd get another chance. He'd had so many other women on tour. Truthfully, he barely remembered most of their names. They were just sex, helping him bridge the time until the next city, the next women. None of them compared to Rayna.

He swallowed the lump in his throat after he'd listened to his manager, Carl's message the third time. Was Rayna really asking him to come back, be her band leader now? Why?

Before he realized it, he was calling Carl. He'd agreed to meet with Rayna and Bucky. He spent most of the night fighting an inner battle.

He'd worked himself into a frenzy by morning and had to attend the 6am AA meeting to calm his nerves.

He couldn't wait to see her, but at the same time dreaded the moment, wondering how he'd feel, how he'd act? What would he say after all this time?

Finally after sitting in his truck for nearly 30 minutes, he climbed out, crossed the Edgehill parking lot, and went in.


	3. Chapter 3

"So what exactly does "He's in" mean?" Teddy asked as Rayna poured her first cup of coffee

"Teddy! Do we really have to do this? I married you. It's been two years. We have a life. We have Maddie." They'd had this conversation before, but Deacon had never been a physical threat before

"and now he's back, right? Jesus Rayna, it's bad enough you've had this emotional attachment to him you've never let go of, but now he's gonna be back in your life? How's that gonna work, huh?"

"I don't know. Look, this all just came up yesterday. I need a band leader. He apparently just got back to Nashville. He's been gone all this time. I DON'T KNOW! I don't know anything yet. We meet with him and his manager at 10." Rayna was exasperated with this fight about Deacon already and nothing had even been decided for sure.

"I'm not so sure I want to stick around to find out, Rayna! I've never been your first priority. Now that he's back, I don't see this situation getting any better! I gotta go. I have an early meeting." Teddy grabbed his briefcase

"What is that supposed to mean? You don't know if you want to stick around? You're considering leaving?" Rayna's voice cracked

"Teddy? Seriously?" she asked, before he calmly walked out the door without another word

She crossed her arms, leaning against the kitchen counter. Suddenly letting Deacon back in her life, in their lives, seemed like a bad idea. She'd made her choices. It wasn't just about her anymore. Maddie deserved a father she could depend on, and she had that with Teddy. He loved her like she was his own. Aside from a few close people, no one, including Deacon knew the truth. She grabbed her phone.

"Hey, Buck. I'm not sure this meeting with Deacon is a good idea. Is it too late to cancel?"

"Rayna, we meet with them in an hour!" Bucky sounded irritated

"I know, I just…Teddy saw your text, and he's mad as hell already…"

"There are no other options, Rayna! I've called everyone I know. I can't find anyone that will even meet with us. We need a band leader, and Deacon knows your sound…"

"Alright, I'll see you in an hour. Maddie's crying. I gotta go." Rayna sighed as she hung up, and rushed upstairs to get Maddie up and ready for the babysitter

"Good morning, baby girl." Maddie stopped crying and smiled widely from her crib as soon as mom walked in

Rayna couldn't help but feel sad as she changed Maddie's diaper, got her dressed, and fed her breakfast. She was growing so fast, and changing everyday. Her facial expressions had always reminded Rayna of Deacon, but as Maddie got older Rayna noticed it more and more. Maddie had never been around Deacon, but his mannerism's in the little girl were undeniable.

The way she'd bite her bottom lip when she was concentrating. The way she'd go off and brood if she didn't get her way. Her temper. She'd certainly got Deacon's temper. She loved music, especially guitars. Rayna knew that hadn't come from her, and Teddy didn't have a musical bone in his body.

Rayna had to brush a tear away as she thought about all Deacon had missed with Maddie. Her first smile, first tooth, first steps across the Ryman stage.

Deacon's absence the past couple years had made it a little easier to push him out of her mind, go on with her life, but she'd never fully let him go. Maddie made that impossible.

She'd cried herself to sleep every night for a year after Deacon left Nashville. He'd kept a low profile, and she really had no idea how he was. Occasionally, a magazine or newspaper would catch him for an interview, but he rarely said much more than to promote whoever he was touring with at the time. She'd analyzed every news clip, every picture.

She'd driven by the little stone house in East Nashville at least once a week, every week, for the first year after he left, hoping he'd be home. His parking spot was always empty. When Teddy was away on business, and car rides were the only thing that would quiet Maddie, she'd driven the hour to the cabin. It was always dark and deserted. On rare occasion she'd use the spare key she still had. She was surprised he'd never changed the locks.

The cabin was undisturbed with a layer of dust, the furniture all covered in white sheets. Deacon's prized guitars all in cases. He hadn't changed anything. The pictures of a happy couple still hung on the walls. The eternity sign she'd bought at a thrift shop still hung over the door. She'd finally given up her trips to the cabin after the first year.

"Ma…Mama…" Maddie's pleas to be released from her high chair pulled Rayna from her thoughts of Deacon, and back to the present

"Are you all done, baby?" Rayna lifted the toddler from her chair

"Bye bye…bye bye…" Maddie happily babbled as Rayna put her jacket on her

They went through the usual tears as Rayna left Maddie at the sitter. Until a couple months ago, when Rayna learned of their financial issues and decided to tour again, she'd rarely left Maddie.

She tried to calm her nerves as she drove the few miles to Edgehill. She had no idea what to expect from Deacon after all this time. The last time she'd seen him was the day they'd staged an intervention, forcing him into rehab that 5th time.

He'd been angry, refused to go at first. Eventually he relented, and let Watty take him to Florida. She was already 3 months pregnant at the time, but barely showing. She'd gone to the cabin a few days before with every intention of telling Deacon about the baby, but when she arrived he was drunk. She could hear glass shattering from outside, and furniture breaking as Deacon went into one of his blind rages.

They'd been fighting for months. He'd been released from his 4th stint in rehab. She'd been seeing Teddy while he was there. Deacon was not at all happy about Teddy. They'd been living apart. He'd been staying at the cabin and she'd been staying at the East Nashville house. She'd thought he was sober. Right after his 4th rehab release he'd made her a nice dinner at the cabin, begged her to stop seeing Teddy, and proposed.

The following morning, she'd found him hungover on the cough with a Jack Daniels bottle nearby. Her heart broke when she realized he'd been drunk, or high, maybe both the night before. He didn't remember anything, including the proposal. She'd stormed out angry, hurt, and disappointed in a fit of tears as he begged her to stay. She'd found out later it was the night Maddie was conceived.

He was always sorry. She'd put up with 11 years of sorry's. Eleven long years of dragging him out of bars and hotels, praying he'd survive bouts of alcohol poisoning. Days at a time when he'd disappear on a drunken bender, leaving her to wonder if he was drunk or dead, laying in a ditch somewhere.

She'd lost track of the countless collect calls from the county jail. Another bar fight, another DUI, another public intoxication arrest.

She did her best to keep him functioning for rehearsals and shows. It often took hours just to get him up and showered. There were so many shows he barely managed to survive. He'd often have to puke between songs or sets backstage. She had no idea how he even managed to stand, much less play guitar through shows at times.

In the later years, he began missing rehearsals, missing shows. They'd had to revamp the whole duo image to more of Rayna as a solo act. Deacon was just her guitarist / band leader by then. He wasn't dependable enough to be part of the main act, and she often employed a spare guitarist just to cover for Deacon.

By his 4th stint in rehab, Edghill had had enough and forced Rayna to fire Deacon. They didn't completely sever ties because he owned the rights to some of the music, but they wanted a serious downgrade to his involvement. It only made matters worse between them. Rayna really had no choice, but she was caught between her label and lover. Deacon was furious.

It all eventually led to the night Tandy took her to tell him about the baby. She ended up tearfully leaving with her sister without even letting Deacon know they'd been there. She'd made the painful choice that night. Deacon wasn't capable of being a father or husband. After 4 tries in rehab, she had little faith he'd ever stop drinking. It wasn't about her, or him anymore. The precious life she carried, deserved better than Deacon.

"You ready for this?" Bucky was next to her SUV in the Edgehill parking lot, shaking her from her painful trip down memory lane

"uuhhh…No, but what choice do we have? I need this tour financially, and if Deacon Claybourne is my only option for a bandleader, I'll deal with it."


	4. Chapter 4

"Dammit, it just doesn't sound right! Where are the new ears?" Rayna snapped, throwing her headset across the stage

"These are the new ones." Bucky replied as he picked them up

"I'm sorry, ya'll. I'm just havin a little diva dip. Maybe now would be a good time to break for lunch?"

Deacon quietly started to leave the rehearsal stage for lunch. Things had been awkward with Rayna all morning. Onstage he wasn't sure about the boundaries.

"Should he touch her, stare into her eyes like he used to when they sang?" he wondered, but unsure just stayed back and played guitar

The meeting had gone well, but extremely awkward as the former long time lovers faced each other across a table for the first time in two years. They exchanged their usual and familiar "Hey," as they both stared a little too long, followed by a lingering hug.

He didn't want to let go. That same current, and fluttering in his chest was still there. He took in her scent as her red locks brushed his face.

"God, she's more beautiful today!' he quietly thought to himself as he let go

"Gorgeous as ever, and he still wears the cologne I used to buy him." She felt a lump welling deep in her throat as he released her from the hug

Bucky and Carl had done most of the talking, ironing out the boring contract details. After 45 minutes they'd made some changes, but came to an agreement. Deacon was now once again Rayna Jaymes's band leader.

"Uhhhmm, Deacon, do you have a minute?" she asked softly, her hand on his shoulder, as he bent to put his guitar in it's case

"For you, I do." He stood up smiling

"I just….I….." she was fumbling for words as he listened attentively

"If you got somethin to say, Ray, just say it, OK?"

"Can we take a little walk?" she asked

"Sure." He smiled as they walked towards the river on Broadway downtown. It felt so good, yet so weird to be with her again. He stuffed his hands deep into his pockets as they walked. The last time they'd taken this walk it had been hand in hand as lovers.

"I don't want things to be so awkward between us, ya know? I thought maybe if we hash some things out, talk a little, it might help?" she asked, noticing as he tensed

They stopped in the middle of the pedestrian bridge. It was the same spot Deacon had kissed her for the first time nearly 13 years earlier.

"What is there to hash out? It's been 2 years. We've both moved on, right?" He lied

"Have we?" she asked

"You're married. You got a baby. Seems to me it doesn't get much more moved on than that." He couldn't look at her, instead focusing on the water below. The anger and pain bubbling to the surface again.

"Are you happy, Deacon?"

"I think we both know I lost the one thing that made me happy years ago." He admitted

"I'm sorry." She tried to smile through tears

"No, don't be. I was a mess. You finally decided enough was enough, and moved on. I can't blame you for that."

"…but you do?" she asked

"I was angry, and hurt when I found out. I did the best thing for both of us, and left town."

"It hasn't been the same without you around here." She tried to lighten the heavy mood, but it seemed he'd gone to a dark place as he slipped his sunglasses on so she wouldn't see the hurt in his eyes.

"I couldn't stay. It hurt too damn much." He kept his eyes on the water, unable to face her

"I know. I was hurting just as much as you, Deacon." She surprised him, sliding her hand over his on the railing

She realized she'd made a mistake as soon as he noticed her wedding rings.

"What are you doin, Ray?" he asked as he pulled his hand away

"I don't know. I just don't want things to be so damn awkward between us. I want us to be friends again. Do you think that's possible?"

"I hope so. Gonna take me a little time, OK?"

"OK, maybe we could try writing together again? That always seemed to be our outlet." She asked

"We could do that. Look, uuhhmmm…I'm gonna catch a quick meetin. I'll see ya back at rehearsal, OK?" he quickly rushed away, not wanting her to see the tears in his eyes

She watched till he was out of sight. It still hurt when he pushed her away, just like it had two years ago, and during the 11 years they were together. Every time things got too hard, or Deacon just couldn't deal with things, he'd run.

The day didn't get much better as they struggled to find a new path with each other. Being onstage, singing together felt so familiar and so awkward all at the same time.

"Ya know, it's been a long day. Maybe we should just call it? We'll try again tomorrow?" Bucky suggested around 4pm

"Sounds like a plan." Deacon agreed, and left quickly without even saying goodbye

"Only day one, and he can't get away from me quick enough." Rayna sighed

"I'm sure it's just hard on him. He'll be OK. He's considered one of the best in the business now. Oh, and Teddy called while you were out for lunch. I'd have told you, but you were already kinda frazzled when you came back. He said it wasn't anything important, and he'd see you at home. He also said not to worry about picking up Maddie. He picked her up early today." Bucky said as Rayna gathered her purse and belongings

"That's weird. I thought he had meetings all day. Thanks, Buck. I'll see you tomorrow."

"I'm Deacon, and I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober 2 and a half years now. Until the past month or so I guess I kinda ran from my demons. I left town, and all the painful memories here. I managed pretty well while I was away. I replaced drinkin with women, and AA meetins. Hell of a combination, huh?" he laughed as he spoke at his 3rd AA meeting that day

"It worked, right? Whatever it takes. Now I'm back after 2 long years away from Nashville. Everything seems to be bubbling to the surface. I'm workin with my ex again, and she's the reason I left town. She moved on while I dried out in rehab. I should be happy for her. She's married with a beautiful baby girl, and the life I couldn't give her then. Hell, I'm not sure I could now. Not that it much matters. It's all water under the bridge." He sighed

"Doesn't mean it hurts any less. I thought I'd be over this shit after 2 years, but seein her today just …..killed me! Painful reminder of everything I fucked up, and let slip away. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at her for not waiting. I always thought she'd be there, ya know? Took me 5 times in rehab to get this sobriety thing down. The first 4 she was always there, in that parking lot when I walked out. I guess 5 was one too many. I lost her." Deacon wiped a tear away as he quietly took his seat in the back of the room

"Hey, I thought you had a full day of meetings?" Rayna asked as she entered the kitchen

Teddy had clearly been home a while. He was in shorts and a T shirt, his laptop and paperwork scattered all over the kitchen island as Maddie played in her play pen nearby.

"I felt kinda bad about the way I acted last night and this morning."

"Don't…it's OK. I get it." She cut him off not wanting to discuss Deacon anymore

"No, let me finish… I left work around lunch time. I thought I might surprise you and take you out for lunch, but you were walking down Broadway with Deacon!" Teddy was clearly pissed off as Rayna listened

"It was nothing, Teddy. We needed to clear the air and talk. Things were awkward and…"

"…and WHAT, Rayna?"

"I don't know what you want me to say here? He's my band leader. That's all. You know I need to go on this tour. WE need this, financially, to dig out of this mess you've gotten us into." Rayna snapped

"Oh so now the fact that Deacon Claybourne is back in our lives is MY fault?" he snapped

"I can't have this fight over and over, Teddy." She sighed

"How the hell am I supposed to feel, Rayna? How would any man feel if his wife ran off on tour to live on busses and in hotels for months with her ex fiancé?"

"EX….EX…is the operative word there. It's been 2 years. There's nothing going on. You have nothing to worry about. I love our life together."

"I'm not so sure about that!" he snapped his laptop shut, grabbed his paperwork and retreated to the bedroom upstairs

Another dinner alone with Maddie. Rayna sighed as she made grilled cheese and tomato soup for herself and Maddie. Teddy never came back downstairs.

Rayna thought he was asleep several hours later when she slipped into bed beside him. He was quiet for ten minutes before he softly spoke.

"If I'm so wrong about you and Deacon, prove it? We've talked about another baby before. You said you wanted to wait till Maddie was at least 2. She'll be 2 in a couple months, almost 3 by the time it's born. Let's start trying?"


	5. Chapter 5

A few weeks had passed. Deacon and Rayna were still struggling personally to deal with each other, but professionally had found a happy medium. They both seemed to be putting aside their grievances onstage.

"Hey, Ray…I got my old Thur night slot at the Bluebird back. Playin tonight. I'd love to see you there." Deacon said with such hope in his eyes, she couldn't say no.

"Um, yeah, OK, I'll try." She smiled as she gathered her purse to leave rehearsal for the day

"Great, see ya there."

At home with Teddy things seemed better too. Rayna had agreed to stop taking her birth control pills as long as they'd be careful for a few months. She didn't want to get pregnant until near the end of the six month tour. Teddy seemed to be pacified for the moment, and while she knew he wasn't happy about Deacon, he'd dropped the subject and focused more on a new baby.

"I was thinking we could convert the guest room upstairs into a nursery, and move the guest room downstairs into the office. What do you think?" Teddy asked as he wrapped his arms around Rayna at the sink as she cleaned up after a quiet family dinner.

"Babe, I'm not even pregnant yet. It may take a while even after we start trying. I think we have time to decide all of that later after the tour." She smiled turning in his arms for a kiss

"I know. I'm just anxious to have you pregnant, and have another little life in this house. We were so happy when you were pregnant with Maddie, and the first year of her life. I miss that. I just can't wait to experience it all again. This time with my baby." He rubbed Rayna's belly

"Maddie is your baby, Teddy!"

"You know what I mean. I missed the first few months of your pregnancy with Maddie. I don't wanna miss a second this time. I wanna be there for that first sonogram, when we find out what the sex is, and hear the first heartbeat." He was so happy Rayna had agreed to another baby

Teddy had been an amazing during her pregnancy with Maddie. Rayna had been so upset after her attempt to tell Deacon about the baby, and finding him drunk. She'd cried in Teddy's arms all night. He just held her, without judgment, and let her cry.

A few days later Watty took Deacon to Florida for a 6 month stay in rehab after a painful intervention. She'd been forced to fire Deacon. It was the hardest thing she'd ever done. He was angry, and hurt. He'd been drinking so the anger came out more than the hurt. She still remembered his painful words as Watty led him away that day.

"You're comin to see me, right? As soon as I can have visitors?" he asked as she stood silently trying not to cry

"Rayna?" he was pleading with her, his eyes wet with tears

"I can't do this with you anymore, Deacon. You need to get well for yourself. Once you're better, you'll always have a place in my band." Her voice cracked as she told him goodbye

"WHAT THE HELL'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN…IN YOUR BAND?" he snapped in anger

"I'm sorry, Deacon." Was all she could say before completely breaking down

"In your band, but not your bed? Is that what you're tryin to say here?" he asked, hurt and anger flashing across his face

"DAMMIT RAYNA, ANSWER ME? ARE YOU BREAKIN UP WITH ME?" he yelled as Watty pushed him into a waiting car

"Rayna…Come on…Please, baby? I need you so damn much! Don't do this to me now. I'm sorry. I'll get well this time, Ray. I promise, just please…don't say it's over." He completely descended into an emotional mess as the car pulled away

Again, it was Teddy that held her all night as she cried over Deacon. He took an immediate interest in her pregnancy. They continued dating. He didn't seem to care that she was pregnant with another man's child.

Around the half way point, when she could no longer hide the growing bump under heavy winter sweaters, he'd taken her out for dinner. It was just after Thanksgiving 1998. Afterwards, they walked around the beautiful Opryland hotel looking at the Christmas decorations.

Near the fountain all lit up in red, green, and white, Teddy dropped to one knee. He pulled out a ring, and looked up with such hope in his eyes.

"I know we haven't had a traditional courtship, but I'm crazy about you, and that little girl you're carrying. I want to be your husband, and her daddy. Marry me, Rayna?"

"Are you sure? It's a lot to take on. You don't have to do this." Her eyes filled with tears. It was the last thing she'd ever expected him to do.

"I've never been more sure about anything. I want this. I want my girls. What do you think? We can give Maddie the family she deserves with two parents." He was so confident and strong, ready to take on a family, responsibility that wasn't even his to take on.

"Yes, yes….I love you, for loving us. I can't wait to start a life together with you and Maddie." She smiled as she let him slip the ring on her finger, sealing the deal with a passionate kiss

The next few months were crazy busy. They moved into a new house in Belle Meade. Planned for a new baby to arrive. Planned for a New Years Eve wedding. Teddy wanted to be married before Maddie was born. They'd decided no one needed to know Maddie most likely wasn't his. There was only a slim chance.

Rayna knew she was Deacon's, but Teddy had insisted once she was born they'd have a paternity test just to make sure. He and Rayna had slept together a few times, but they'd always been careful. With Deacon they were usually so in the throws of passion, careful wasn't always possible. She'd agreed to a paternity test just to pacify him. He was so hopeful that by some miracle Maddie was his.

So on December 31st, 1998 she became Mrs. Teddy Conrad. It was a new year, new life, and for a while she managed to be happy. Teddy doted on her, and the baby she carried. He supplied everything she asked for in those crazy hormone induced craving periods. He went to every doctor's appointment. He loved seeing Maddie on the ultrasound machine. He was always rubbing Rayna's baby bump and talking to Maddie.

On March 21st, 1999, Maddelynn Grace Conrad was born at 4:56am. Teddy never left Rayna's side even for a second as she labored all night. Maddie was in his arms seconds after he'd cut the cord. He was beaming with pride and joy as he held his new baby girl. Rayna knew she'd made the right choice as she watched Teddy in those first days with Maddie, but her heart ached knowing it should have been Deacon.

Deacon was released from rehab the first week of April. Maddie was just two weeks old. Of course Rayna Jaymes first born was major news in Nashville, especially just coming off what appeared to be a whirlwind love affair, pregnancy, and quick marriage to Teddy.

She'd agreed to one press release with Good Morning America. So when Maddie was barely 3 weeks old, cameras rolled, and an interview took place in the Conrad household. It was a huge featured deal. An interview with a happy Rayna and Teddy holding their newborn baby girl plastered across TV's and magazines everywhere.

Deacon, barely out of rehab was crushed. There was no escaping it in Nashville. Everywhere he went, people were talking, magazines and newspapers had Rayna, Teddy, and Maddie on the covers in every check out line, at every supermarket. Local radio stations congratulated Rayna constantly in the weeks following Maddie's birth. Even the Bluebird was a buzz about country's newest baby.

Rayna's heart sank when she learned Deacon had left town. She had hoped maybe he'd try to see her, but he hadn't. She'd heard through mutual friends he was sober, and doing well. She never imagined he'd disappear for nearly 2 years. She knew then he had no clue and never suspected Maddie might be his. She wondered how he could possibly not know, but deep down she knew that answer. He was, is and always would be an alcoholic.

Her mind wandered back to the present as Teddy helped finish cleaning up the kitchen. He'd already put Maddie to bed. It was a little after 8pm.

"How about we practice those baby making skills?" he whispered holding Rayna against the kitchen counter

She glanced at the clock. Deacon's Bluebird set was coming up at 9. If she left now, she could make it just in time.

She immediately felt guilty. Her husband was asking her to go to bed, and wanted to make love to her. The only thing on her mind was another man.

"Best offer I've had all day." She lied

"I've missed you so much, Rayna. I'm sorry I'm so insecure. I'll try to be better about that, OK? I know it's your job. C'mon…right now I just want you all to myself till dawn." Teddy led her upstairs.

They hadn't made love in months. She owed him all her attention. He'd been an amazing father and husband.

An hour later, Teddy sound asleep next to her, she felt even worse. Sex with Teddy had never been what it was with Deacon, but usually her mind was at least on Teddy.

This time was entirely different. She longed to be at the Bluebird with him. Her thoughts had wandered even further into dangerous territory as she imagined it was Deacon making love to her. He filled her dreams. Conscious or unconscious, she couldn't seem to escape Deacon since he'd come back to Nashville.

At the Bluebird, Deacon glanced around once more before he started his last song. He'd been so hopeful she'd come. He simply sighed and continued the show.

"Thanks everybody for comin out tonight. I got one more for ya'll. This one's called Sideshow." Deacon said before launching into his last number

 _She's a big top ten with bright spotlights  
That woman sure knows how to shine  
You almost can't believe your eyes  
You can hardly wait to see the sign  
She'll have you walking that high wire  
Jumping through her rings of fire  
Give you your moment in the sun  
Be careful not to fall in love_

 _Cause that curtain falls  
The lights go out  
The show goes on  
She leaves town  
If you know what's good for you  
You'll just let her go  
Or you'll end up next to me in her sideshow_

 _I remember all that spotlight fades  
When she wanted me and no one else  
Nowadays I play my part  
Pay a dime, you'll see my broken heart_

 _That curtain falls  
The lights go out  
The show goes on  
She leaves town  
If you know what's good for you  
You'll just let her go  
Or you'll end up next to me in her sideshow_


	6. Chapter 6

"mmmmmm…that feels soooo good, babe! I've missed you." Rayna sleepily purred

"I've missed you too. I'm glad we're back on track. I hate the distance between us lately." Teddy continued to wake his sleepy wife with neck kisses

"Me too. I never thought we'd have this again." She sleepily wrapped her arms around him

"It hasn't been that long." Teddy laughed loudly, suddenly waking her from an unconscious slumber and dreams

"Any amount of time spent on pointless disagreements is too long." She was suddenly fully awake and aware of what she'd just done, trying to cover, hoping he hadn't caught her shock as she woke

"Are you OK?" he asked

"Yeah, yeah…I'm good, just suddenly realized I need to get up. I have a lot to do today." She smiled and sweetly kissed him

"I brought you some coffee. I got Maddie up and ready for the sitter. I'll drop her off on my way to work. Have a good day." He kissed her one last time as she sat up

"Thanks, babe. You're too good to me." She smiled kissing him back

"After last night, you deserve a little pampering. Can you pick Maddie up tonight?" he asked

"Yeah, tell Brittney I'll be there by 5 at the latest."

"Ohhhh….I've GOT to STOP this!" she told herself once he'd left, as she flopped back against the pillows

She'd been in the midst of a hot, sexual dream about Deacon. She hadn't realized it was Teddy kissing her. Luckily, Teddy didn't seem to notice.

A couple hours later she arrived at rehearsal. Deacon was already onstage tuning his guitar.

"Hey…" she called as she walked past towards her dressing room

"Mornin…" he replied flatly, barely looking up

The last day of rehearsal had arrived. They were set to leave on tour Monday. The first leg would be a 3 month bus tour of the Midwest, including stops in Chicago, St Louis, Kansas City, and several smaller cities along the way.

The second leg would require plane travel and criss-crossing from East to West Coasts.

Most of the early shows had already sold out.

"uuhhh..Rayna, can I talk to you for a minute?" Bucky asked popping his head into her dressing room

"Yeah, what's wrong?" she asked sensing he was a little apprehensive

"I wanted you to see this before it goes public. I didn't know Edgehill was gonna do this." He pulled out a small version of a promo poster Edgehill was planning to use to promote the tour. There would also be T shirts and other items available

It was an old picture of Rayna and Deacon together onstage. The caption read "Together Again. No One Will Ever Love You…Like I Do"

"I DIDN'T AGREE TO THAT!" Rayna snapped

"I know. I told Marshall you wouldn't be happy. It gets worse. They want you to put No One Will Ever Love You, back in the set list."

"NO! We had the set list before Deacon ever came back. Why are they doing this now?" she asked

"Apparently since word got out that Deacon is back in your band it's been getting a lot of radio play. They want to maximize the exposure and use it for merch sales."

"We'll see about that! I'm going to see Marshall. Tell everyone I'll be back as soon as I can." Rayna stormed out of the dressing room, past the stage, and slammed the door on her way out

"What the hell's that all about?" Deacon asked as Bucky came to explain the delay

"I guess this pertains to you too. This…" he handed Deacon the promo sheet

"She's pissed off because we're on a promo poster together?" Deacon asked, not sure if he was more hurt or angry

"It wasn't part of the deal, Deacon. We brought you back as band leader, not the duo you two used to be." Bucky tried to pacify Deacon seeing his expression change

"Yeah, whatever! So I guess were not startin rehearsal anytime soon?" Deacon snapped

"uhhh, no, not until Rayna gets back from Edgehill."

"Fine, I'll be back in an hour. I need some air!" Deacon snapped handing his guitar to one of the roadies

"OK, everybody just hang tight. Don't go too far. We'll get started as soon as Rayna gets back." Bucky sighed. He knew having Deacon around would be a challenge, but he suddenly wished he hadn't pushed the idea with Rayna.

Deacon got back first. He's taken a walk to cool off, and gone to an AA meeting.

Rayna got back shortly after, still mad as hell. Her meeting with Marshall hadn't gone well.

"So, are they gonna change it, drop the promo?" Bucky asked

"No, he pretty much said Edgehill owns the rights to the song, the pictures, and they're financing the tour so they'll decided how it gets promoted."

"OK, I guess we add No One Will Ever Love You to the set."

"Alright everyone, we're all back. Edgehill has requested some changes. I know it's the last rehearsal, but it's one song, and it's an old one. Should be pretty easy to fit in. Let's run through No One Will Ever Love You as a duet with Deacon and Rayna."

Rayna began the first verse as she stared into Deacon's eyes:

Don't you try to tell me someone's waiting.  
They're not waiting for you.  
Oh and don't you try to tell me that you're wanted.  
That you're needed.  
Cause it's not true.  
I know why you're lonely.  
It's time you knew it too.  
No one will ever love you, no one will ever love you.  
No one will ever love you like I do.

Deacon stared back as he came in on the second verse:

Why you always looking for the limelight?  
Ain't you satisfied with me?  
For once why don't you get down off your high heels,  
you're no big deal.  
Can't you see? I know why you're lonely.  
It's time you knew it too.

They both fell into time with each other like they'd done the song at every rehearsal:

No one will ever love you. No one will ever love you.  
No one will ever love you like I do.  
I'm all you got.  
I'm all you'll ever need.  
I'm all you'll ever have.

Deacon had to stop himself from leaning in for his signature kiss at the end of the song. For 11 years as they toured he'd always kissed Rayna passionately at the end of that song. Not being able to felt so awkward.

She swallowed a lump as the song ended. She longed for that kiss, but knew they couldn't. Things were so much different now.

"Alright ya'll, I think we've got this set down. Everyone have a great weekend, and I'll see everyone Monday morning. We pull out at 6am for St Louis."

"It's barely noon. You wanna call it a day?" Bucky asked confused

"Yeah, I think we're good. We've had enough rehearsal time. Everyone could use a long weekend before we head out. Go home, Buck." Rayna tried to smile as she quickly rushed to her dressing room

Deacon quietly wiped down his guitar and put it away. Rayna hadn't come back out of her dressing room. Everything felt so weird as he headed for the door. They'd barely spoken today.

He climbed into his truck, leaning his head against the head rest.

"Of all the damn songs, why the hell did they have to choose THAT one." He wondered as he sat contemplating how he was going to get through this tour

He was shaken from his thought by the passenger door slamming.

"Rayna, what the hell are you doin?" he asked

"I'm not sure I can do this tour. I'm just so confused and I still have all these feelings for you, but I can't act on them, and that damn song is so intimate between us. It just feels all wrong, but so right at the same time." She was trying not to cry

"Is that why you didn't come last night?" he asked sadly

"I wanted to, but I just couldn't get away. What would I have told Teddy? I'm sorry."

"I'm guessin he's not too happy I'm on this tour, huh?" Deacon asked

"Would you be if you were in his shoes?"

"I'd probably have you locked in a damn closet to keep you home." He laughed

"I'm sure he would, if he could get away with it, but the truth is I need this tour. I haven't worked in 2 years since Maddie was born. I thought Teddy had our finances in order. I never asked. Turns out he's made some bad investments." She sighed

"I had no idea. I'm sorry, Ray."

"It is what it is. For better or for worse, right?" she replied sadly

"Are you happy, Ray? I mean other than the financial issues.."

"Teddy is a good man. He's an amazing father. He's just made some bad choices." Rayna defended Teddy

"I'm sorry. It aint any of my business. We probably shouldn't even be talkin bout this."

"Yeah, I guess…" she agreed her voice cracking a little

"Look, I'll stay outta your way on this tour, OK? I don't wanna cause any problems for you, or make this anymore awkward than it already is. I'll see ya Monday. I really gotta go, Ray." He lied

"Yeah, OK." She reluctantly got out of his truck. She knew he couldn't wait to get away from her. Some things never change. He'd always run when things got tough, alcohol or not.


	7. Chapter 7

"You're home from rehearsal awfully early?" Teddy smiled when he found Rayna in the tub, relaxing with a glass of wine at 1pm

"I could say the same for you. I thought you had a meeting with those investors this afternoon?" she asked

"uuhhh…yeah, they cancelled." Teddy sadly looked away. Another project gone bad, and another investment gone wrong

"I'm sorry. You'll get the next one." She tried to hide her disappointment

"On the upside, it means we get a rare afternoon ALONE. Perfect timing since you're leaving me Monday for 3 months. Want some company in there?" He smiled leaning in for a kiss, as he loosened his tie

"Sure. I'll be back a few days here and there. It won't be so bad." She tried to smile as he joined her in the tub. She really just wanted an afternoon alone to relax before the craziness of the tour began

"I know. It just won't be the same around here after 2 years of being together every night. We're not sure how Maddie will handle being away from you yet. I'm just not looking forward to single parenting, that's all." He pulled her closer in the tub, kissing the nape of her neck

"Leaving Maddie's the worst part. I know we've talked about it, and decided she'd be better off at home with you, but I've been thinking I'd really like to take her. In a couple years she'll be in school and I won't be able to take her." Rayna held her breath waiting for a reaction

"Why the sudden change now? I thought we already made this decision? When she's older there's always the possibility of home schooling and she could travel with you that way." He tried to reason

"I don't want to home school her, Teddy. I want her to have a normal life, with friends, activities, and school dances when she's older. Right now she's still my baby, and she needs to be with me."

"No, Rayna! We decided this months ago. Maddie stays home with me." He was resolute, and getting angry as they argued

"Well, I changed my mind! It's not entirely your choice, Teddy!" Rayna snapped

"I thought WE already decided. It wasn't only my choice. YOU thought it was best too last time we discussed this! The only thing that's changed since is Deacon Claybourne being on this tour!" Teddy snapped as he got out of the tub

"Don't go there, Teddy! This has nothing to do with Deacon."

"Really?" he retorted before slamming the bathroom door

"So much for a relaxing afternoon alone." She sighed

Across town, alone in East Nashville, Deacon sat with a guitar across his lap. The coffee table overturned, a few smashed guitars, and the only light coming from a broken lamp on the floor.

He wanted a drink. He'd been to two AA meetings already today. His only solace a pen, and some scribbled lyircs…

PRETEND IT ISN'T THERE

by Charles Esten and Steve Mandile

Well it's almost been forever

We've been playing it this way.

Feeling things that we must never

Ever feel or ever say.

It's so powerful, what hovers

Here between us, in the air.

But you are taken by another,

So you pretend it isn't there.

And I feel the toll that it's taking

Waiting for what you can't give.

Deep inside me something's breaking

What a lonely way to live.

And it's been there since I found you,

All this beauty and despair.

But just so I can stay around you,

I pretend it isn't there.

And you're not wanting me.

And you're not haunting me.

And it's not still in me,

This thing that killin' me.

And my heart will be fine.

And you will be...

Love continues to reward us

With all the pain that we can bear.

And though the end is rushing toward us

We pretend it isn't there.

Rayna toweled off, dried her hair, put on an old T shirt (one of Deacon's), and sweats before heading downstairs.

Teddy had scribbled a note on the back of the promo poster sheet. She'd forgotten and left it on the counter with her purse and keys. She hadn't intended for Teddy to see it.

 _[What is this? I thought he was just your band leader?_

 _Went to pick up Maddie. Don't bother with dinner. I'll feed her. I'd like some time alone with her before you take her away from me!]_

Rayna took a deep breath. Things with Teddy were already strained and had been for months since she learned of the financial issues he'd been keeping from her. She knew his heart had been in the right place. He had his pride. He'd always promised to take care of her and Maddie. She knew it was killing him that he was failing, and she had to go back on tour, make some serious money to fix his mistakes.

She was trying to be supportive and patient, but she was also angry that he'd kept things from her for so long. They'd had to re-mortgage the house to keep from losing it, and now had a huge monthly payment leaving her no choice but to go back on tour.

They could have gone to her father, but that relationship was still very strained, and she'd refused to ask Lamar for help.

It was after 5 when Teddy and Maddie arrived home. The little girl bounded into Rayna's arms beaming and chattering about going for pizza, ice cream, and the bear she clutched.

It was a build a bear, wearing a little suit and tie.

"Oh, is that supposed to be daddy?" Rayna asked suddenly feeling horrible. Teddy was desperately trying to hold on to Maddie any way he could

"Daddy bear." She smiled fumbling with the bears little tie, before squiring away from Rayna to play

"She's not going to forget you if she goes with me, you know?" Rayna softly said

"I'm not an idiot, Rayna. The writing is on the wall here. Maybe it always has been. You've never really let go of Deacon. We both know that." He sadly admitted

"That's not true! You know I love our life and our family. He's not the reason I want to take Maddie on tour. I can't stand the thought of being away from her for so long."

"…and you think I can?" he asked

"Let me take her on this first leg. It'll be easier on the bus, than the later part where we have to fly a lot. Plus we're not that far. You'd be able to drive to most of the stops in 8 to 10 hours. You can come see her on the road anytime, and we'll be back a couple times a month for a few days. The second leg, I'll leave her with you." Rayna tried to compromise

Monday morning arrived. He'd spent a long, sleepless weekend dreading getting on this bus. He couldn't escape her memory when she wasn't around. "How the hell would he deal with having her in his face 24/7." He wondered as he locked his truck doors, grabbed his suitcase and guitar, and slowly trudged across the lot towards the bus.

Several of the guys in the band were already clamoring around, storing unneeded items in the undercarriage compartment. He threw his suitcase in the undercarriage, and climbed the bus stairs.

Looking around, he chose a bunk near the front of the coach. The furthest distance he could get from the master suite at the back, where Rayna would be staying. A flood of memories hit him as he looked down the hall towards the master suite. Their last bus tour, he'd been with her in that suite.

"Just set up the pack n play here in the living area. There's not enough room in the master suite." Rayna was barking orders to a PA as she climbed the bus steps with Maddie in her arms

"Hey…" she softly said noticing Deacon standing near the front of the coach. She watched his expression carefully for any sign of reaction to Maddie. He'd never seen the little girl before. Deep down part of her hoped maybe he'd suspect something, feel something if and when he saw Maddie for the first time

"Hey…" he whispered huskily as he looked at Maddie

"She's beautiful, Ray. Just like her mama."

"Maddie, can you say hi to Deacon?" Rayna walked towards him with Maddie in her arms

"De…De…"Maddie smiled and waved trying to say Deacon

"Well, hi there. Aren't you just the prettiest little thing. Look at these long fingers. I think we have a future guitarist, or maybe piano like mama, huh?" Deacon held Maddie's chubby little hand as the two got acquainted

Rayna had waited for this moment for nearly 2 years. Seeing them side by side, it was undeniable that Deacon was Maddie's father. Her heart was about to burst seeing them together for the first time ever.

She was both relieved and disappointed as she watched his facial expressions and interaction with Maddie.

"He doesn't suspect a thing." She sadly thought to herself


	8. Chapter 8

Maddie was completely enamored with Deacon and his guitar. Rayna was surprised he could hold her attention. Normally at almost 2 years old, her attention span was all of 2 to 3 minutes. She'd watch Deacon for hours as he sang, practiced, and rehearsed on the bus between shows.

Rayna felt a little heavy hearted that he hadn't realized Maddie could be his, but also happy to see that there seemed to be an unmistakable bond between them.

Things were still a little odd and strained between them. Deacon for the most part was doing his best to stay out of her way, but living together on a 53 foot bus made that nearly impossible.

Most of the band member's liked to hit local bars and party after shows if they weren't in a hurry to leave for the next town.

Rayna had to go back to the bus with Maddie, and Deacon still not comfortable in bars when everyone else was drinking often just went back to the bus also.

It made for some awkward time alone on the bus, especially the shower situation in such small quarters. Rayna had her private bathroom and shower, but Deacon shared the main bathroom with everyone else. He often came out after a shower in just shorts, and thin tank top undershirts ready for bed.

Rayna couldn't help but notice he was still in very good shape, his arms muscular, and since he'd quit drinking, his stomach had tightened into a nice 6 pack.

It certainly hadn't helped her fight off the dreams she was still having about Deacon making love to her. She found it hard not to watch as he wandered through the bus, his hair damp, and sexy as hell fresh from a shower.

Maddie's pack n play was set up in the main living area. There wasn't room in the master suite for it. Late at night if Maddie woke crying, Rayna was quick to come get her before she disturbed everyone else. Deacon was a light sleeper now that he was sober.

He couldn't help but notice Rayna's long sexy legs as she tip toed out to get Maddie. She still wore old T shirts and flannels to bed. He was touched that they looked vaguely familiar. After all this time she still wore HIS old shirts to bed. He couldn't help, but smile from his bunk. He felt bad for wishing she'd wrap her long legs around him like she used to, but couldn't keep those thoughts from invading his dreams.

One late night in Minneapolis after a show, the guys had all gone out. Rayna wasn't feeling well. She'd been tired, and crabby all day. She was alone with Deacon and an also very crabby baby on the bus. Maddie was fussy and squirming in her arms, refusing to sleep.

"She OK?" Deacon asked as he came from the shower toweling off his hair

"I dunno. She's a little warm. I haven't been feeling well. She may have caught my bug." Rayna sighed, looking exhausted as Maddie continued to cry in her arms

"Awe…poor little thing. Are you sick?" Deacon asked as he felt her little forehead

"I hate to ask Deacon, but could you watch her for 20 minutes? There's a Walgreens down the street. I'm gonna run and get her some medicine before this fever gets worse."

"Sure, go ahead and go. I'll take her." Deacon reached for her. At first she wouldn't go to him, but reluctantly let go of Rayna, still whining and squirming in his arms.

"It's OK, baby girl. I got ya. Shhhhh…it's gonna be OK. Mama be back soon." He softly spoke to her as he rubbed her little back and held her tight against his chest

"I'll make it quick. She'll probably scream her head off as soon as I leave." Rayna apologized as she reached for the door handle

"It's alright. I got her. We'll be fine."

Rayna felt horrible for leaving, hearing Maddie wail as soon as the door closed. She walked as quickly as she could hoping Maddie's screaming wouldn't test Deacon's patience too much. He'd only ever been around one other baby, his niece Scarlett, but she was in Natchez, Mississippi. He rarely saw her, and never babysat alone.

"OK, alright…C'mon….Shhhhh…it's OK. Don't cry." He softly spoke and continued rubbing her little back as she wailed for Rayna

"How about your cartoons, huh?" He put the Shrek DVD into the player

He was surprised to hear Willie Nelson's On The Road Again coming from the TV. Old Yeller was as close as he'd come to watching a kids movie until now.

He softly sang along with the movie. Maddie cuddled close, her little hand on his scruff. She calmed down as he sang.

"You like that?" he cooed as her cries became whimpers, and then stopped

"Is that a smile? See Uncle Deacon's not so bad, huh?"

"How about a cool washcloth? That feel good?" he got a cool washcloth to wipe her warm forehead

"How about we lay down on the couch. That sound good? Can you sing with me?" he asked as he layed down with Maddie on his chest, still wiping her warm little forehead with the cool washcloth

On the road again  
Just can't wait to get on the road again  
The life I love is making music with my friends

And I can't wait to get on the road again  
On the road again

Goin' places that I've never been  
Seein' things that I may never see again

And I can't wait to get on the road again  
On the road again  
Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway  
We're the best of friends  
Insisting that the world keep turning our way

And our way  
Is on the road again  
Just can't wait to get on the road again  
The life I love is makin' music with my friends

And I can't wait to get on the road again

On the road again

Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway  
We're the best of friends  
Insisting that the world keep turning our way  
And our way  
Is on the road again  
Just can't wait to get on the road again  
The life I love is makin' music with my friends

And I can't wait to get on the road again  
And I can't wait to get on the road again

Rayna was back in about 30 minutes. She was surprised as she approached the bus. Maddie wasn't screaming.

She had to swallow a lump in her throat as she walked in. Deacon was on his back with Maddie on his chest, softly singing to her as they watched Shrek. Her chubby little hand was on his cheek.

"That was quick." He smiled from the couch

"She's been OK?" she asked

"Once we got past that first few minutes. Yeah, we're just watchin Shrek. I never knew kids shows had such great soundtracks. I'll have to watch with her more often." He smiled as he sat up with Maddie on his lap

"I got her some children's Tylenol." Rayna filled the measuring spoon, but Maddie refused to take it

"No, ma…No…" she whined

"It's good for you, baby. Come on. Take your medicine." Deacon coaxed

"Noooooo…." Maddie whined rubbing her tired little eyes

"Look, watch me. Give it to me, Ray." Rayna reluctantly fed the spoonful to Deacon

"mmmm…See, it's good." He tried not to make a face. Cherry wasn't his favorite flavor

"You try." He asked again

"That's my girl. See, not so bad, huh? It'll make you feel better." He rubbed her back again as she put her little head on his shoulder, showing no interest in going back to Rayna

It took everything Rayna had not to cry when he called Maddie his girl.

"If he only knew." She thought as she held back tears

"Why don't you go to bed, Ray? You look exhausted, and you're sick too. I got her. We'll be fine. She's about out." He smiled as Maddie's little eyes fluttered.

"Are you sure? You don't have to…"

"I want to, OK. Let me put her to bed tonight. You need some rest, sweetheart."

"I that a nice way of saying I look like hell?" Rayna laughed

"No, darlin. You're as beautiful today as the day we met. Get some sleep. I'll get up with her if she wakes up later." He smiled as he layed back down with Maddie on his chest, patting her back as she fought sleep

"Thank you." Her voice cracked as she turned to go into the master suite

Alone, once the door was closed she cried herself to sleep. She felt an overwhelming sense of guilt that she'd made a huge mistake keeping Maddie from Deacon all this time.

He'd completely surprised her with his tenderness and compassion with Maddie. A screaming baby was enough to make most men run, especially one that wasn't his responsibility.

She wasn't sure how, or how she'd deal with Teddy, but she knew she needed to tell Deacon the truth. She owed it to him, and Maddie. They already shared a special bond. It wasn't fair to either of them to keep lying.

She just wasn't sure how to give Maddie a relationship with her father, while trying not to damage the delicate relationship she and Deacon seemed to be rebuilding.


	9. Chapter 9

"Thank you Madison for having us!" Rayna yelled from the stage as they closed another show

She still wasn't feeling quite herself, but Maddie had recovered from her illness and was back to her usual energy filled, 2 year old self, bounding around the bus clamoring for attention from anyone willing to give it.

Deacon hadn't said anything, but Rayna knew he wasn't feeling well now. His guitar playing was fine. Nothing ever seemed to lessen his ability to play a guitar, but his voice was a little scratchy, and he just wasn't himself that night.

He'd quickly left the venue as soon as he walked offstage, without so much as a goodbye to anyone.

"Did Deacon come back to the bus?" Rayna asked Maddie's sitter as she climbed the steps on a frigid Wisconsin night in February.

There were fans yelling for her outside, but she was worried when Deacon left so abruptly.

"uuhh..yeah, he's in his bunk." The sitter replied

"Thanks. You can go ahead and go. I'm in for the night. Thanks for getting Maddie to sleep early. She's been wired since she started feeling better." Rayna said handing the sitter her pay, and quickly ushering her off the bus

"Deacon? Are you OK?" Rayna softly asked outside the curtain of Deacon's bunk

"I'll be fine. I just need some rest." His raspy voice came back, barely able to talk

"You don't sound fine!" she snapped, pulling back the curtain

He was drenched in sweat, his hair matted to his forehead. He hadn't bothered to shower or change his clothes. His boots were still on, and he was wrapped in his blanket shivering.

"Deacon, you're burning up! I can feel the heat coming off you! You have a fever!" She was immediately worried when she saw him

"I'll be alright. Just can't get warm. That trip from the stage to the bus chilled me." His voice was getting raspier as he spoke

"You're soaked, and it's 20 below outside. Did you even where a coat?" she asked in a motherly tone as she felt his forehead

"It's only a few hundred feet, Ray." He tried to laugh, but coughed instead

"Here, take this. We need to break that fever." She handed him Tylenol and a bottle of water from her purse

He willingly sat up to take it. He could taste her lipstick on the bottle. It was as close as he'd come to tasting her sweet lips in over 2 years. As sick as he was, that's all he could think about as he took a long pull from the water bottle, savoring the sweetness.

"Thanks, Ray." He slowly laid back down pulling the covers tight again

"Come on, Deacon. You need a hot shower, and dry clothes. Go take your shower in the master suite. There's a bench in there to sit on if you're light headed. You're staying in the master suite tonight. You can't stretch out in this cramped bunk, and you need some rest where it's quiet." She helped him sit up again

"Ray, that aint a good idea. We'll start all kinds of rumors." He was too weak to argue as she pulled him to his feet leading him to her suite

"I'll find your sweats. Take your shower. There's plenty of shampoo and soap in there." She closed the master suite door, leaving him to take his shower

He hadn't been in this suite since they'd last toured almost 3 years ago. The room was heavy with Rayna's perfume and scent. He closed his eyes and took it all in, memories of many nights shared in this suite after shows, and on the road.

He savored the shower, using Rayna's shampoo and soap. Sick as a dog, and she was still the only thing on his mind as he breathed in the sweet shampoo and soap she'd used for years.

Rayna found Deacon's bag and began searching for a clean T shirt and sweats. His cologne was on everything. She took in his scent as she held a T shirt to her face. She thought about stealing one. The shirts she'd kept, had long lost Deacon's scent.

He had a small photo album in the corner of the bag. She leaned out of his bunk to make sure the water was still running in the shower. Still hearing the water, she began flipping through the album. There were pictures of his mom, sister, and niece. All of his AA chips, marking days, months, and now years of sobriety. She was so proud of him for succeeding this time, and felt guilty for ever doubting him.

Near the back she found several pictures of them together in happier days. The beginning at the Bluebird, a smiling couple. A beach picture of the two of them in Mexico, their first vacation together. Pictures of them together on the opry stage, at awards shows, at after parties, and some private moments she was a bit embarrassed he'd kept.

There were pictures of her and Maddie after they'd broken up. A copy of the birth announcement, with a baby Maddie only a few days old. She wondered where he'd gotten them. She hadn't sent them.

At the very back in a pocket there was a yellowed letter on floral stationary. She leaned out of the bunk once again to make sure the water was still running. Still running, she pulled out the letter. It was a love letter she'd written to him, his first stint in rehab, 10 years ago.

 _June 26_ _th_ _, 1991_

 _Deacon,_

 _I miss you sooooo much! I can't wait to have you back in my arms, back in my bed, back in my life. I promise I'll be there to see you the second they say it's OK. This time away is killing me. I miss your smile, your laugh, your eyes, your singing in the shower, us singing naked in the shower. I miss every damn thing about you, babe._

 _I knew this would be hard, but I never imagined how hard. I feel like a part of my soul is missing. Onstage and off you're so much a part of who I am. I can't imagine a life without you in it. No matter how hard things get, you have me, heart and soul._

 _I keep picturing our life together on tour, at home, married someday, having kids, growing old together, making music for the rest of our lives._

 _It's been a rough year since we met, but I wouldn't want to take this journey with anyone else. No matter how hard it gets, or how many fights we have, I know nothing will ever tear us apart. You are absolutely my heart, my soul, the love of my life._

 _I'll see you soon. I love you._

 _Forever and always._

 _Eternity._

 _Ray_

The water stopped. She quickly put the letter and album back in its hiding spot, deep in Deacon's bag. She had to wipe away a few tears and take a few deep breaths as she wandered back through the bus with dry clothes for Deacon.

"I left a T shirt, sweats, underwear and socks on the bed for you. Did the shower help? Are you feeling any better?" she asked through the bathroom door as Deacon toweled off on the other side

"A little. Be right out." He called, voice almost gone

She closed the master suite door to give him privacy to get dressed. As much as she wanted to stay in there, she knew she couldn't. Maddie was sound asleep in her pack n play. She was looking more and more like Deacon every day.

"How can he not see it?" she wondered as she watched the toddler sleep peacefully

She heard the familiar click of the master suite door opening. Deacon emerged, freshly showered and looking gorgeous even pale and sick.

"She's the prettiest little girl I've ever seen, Ray. Looks just like her mama." Deacon smiled as he joined Rayna next to the pack n play

"I don't know. There's a lot of her daddy in her too." Rayna struggled to swallow a huge lump in her throat as she saw the love in Deacon's eyes. He'd become pretty attached to Maddie in the nearly 2 months they'd been on the bus. Possibly even before, now that Rayna knew about the pictures he had of Maddie.

"Maybe he does suspect she's his, and is just afraid to ask?" she wondered as she watched him brush the hair from Maddie little face

"You're still awfully warm, Deacon. Why don't you take some more Tylenol, drink some water, and go to bed in the master suite, where you'll be more comfortable." She couldn't resist rubbing his back as they talked

"I dunno, Ray. I don't wanna take your bed." He tensed under her touch

"You're not. It's a king sized bed, Deacon. There's plenty of room for both of us with lots of neutral territory in the middle." She laughed

"More like no man's land." He laughed, but started a coughing fit

"C'mon, I'll get Maddie's vaporizer to break up that cough." He didn't fight her as she led him to the bedroom

She got him Tylenol, a bottle of water for the bedside table, and set up Maddie's vaporizer filling the room with a Vick's vapo rub scent to help him sleep.

"Thank you, Ray, for takin such good care of me tonight. I miss that part of us the most. I am soo sorry I couldn't give you that." He whispered in the dark unable to control his emotions any longer

"I know, Deacon." She moved closer, laying her head on his chest. She knew his cheeks were set with tears

"You know you're in no man's land?" He laughed as he pulled her closer

"I don't care, right now. Just hold me, please?" she asked her voice cracking

"God this feels so wrong, yet so right. Sometimes I wish I could just go back, change everything. Maybe we'd have that life, that family we always talked about by now."

"Deacon…I….there's something you need to know. Please try to keep an open mind. Don't hate me." She began sobbing against his chest, unable to speak coherently, afraid of losing him again once he heard the truth

"I could never hate you, Ray. Don't cry. You know I could never stand to see you cry." He brushed her red locks out of her eyes

"I just don't ever wanna lose you again." She sobbed holding him so tight it almost hurt

"Hey, calm down. If I'm honest, you never lost me, baby. I'm right here. You can tell me everything, or you can tell me nothin at all."

"I still love you." She whispered

"I know. I love you too, Ray. Let's just get some sleep right now, OK? We'll talk about everything and what we're gonna do about it in the morning. I'm sick, and you're soo upset right now. Just relax. I'm right here, and whatever this is, or wherever it's goin, I don't give a damn right now. I just want tonight to hold you, OK?"

"OK," she drifted off to sleep in his arms, feeling safer, and more loved than she had in years

"Night, baby." He gently placed an innocent kiss on her head as he held her, praying this was the beginning of their second chance, that she wouldn't feel like this was all a mistake in the morning

Back in Nashville Teddy felt guilty. He hadn't made an effort to see Maddie or Rayna since they'd left on tour nearly two months ago. They'd talked on the phone almost daily, and he knew they'd both been sick.

It was a Friday. He'd left work at 6. As he sat having dinner alone he'd decided enough was enough. He quickly packed a bag, and climbed into his SUV. He could drive all night, and be in Madison by the time they woke in the morning.

He could stay for Rayna's show in Milwaukee Sat night, and head back Sunday in time for work on Monday. It would be a long, exhausting weekend, but he missed his girls. He felt bad for being so hard on Rayna. Deep down he knew she'd never cheat on him.


	10. Chapter 10

It was just after 4am. Teddy was exhausted after a long work day, followed by an all night drive from Nashville, TN to Madison, WI. All he wanted to do was take a peek at his sleeping baby girl and crawl into bed next to his wife for a few hours.

Rayna's main security man was parked near the bus keeping a watchful eye. He knew Teddy well, and waved him onto the bus with a smile.

Maddie was sound asleep in her pack n play. Teddy reached in to gently pat her back. He removed his coat, shoes, tie, dress shirt, and belt, leaving everything on the couch before quietly creeping down the hallway of bunks towards Rayna's master suite at the back of the bus.

Rayna always listening for Maddie, heard the familiar click of the master suite door first. She knew it wasn't Deacon. She was still in his arms as he slumbered next to her.

"Deacon, someone's in here." She whispered nudging him awake in the pitch black room

"Wh…what…?" he sleepily answered seconds before Teddy flipped the bright bedroom light on, momentarily blinding both Deacon and Rayna

"Teddy, this isn't what it looks like…" Rayna stammered in shock as she and Deacon quickly untangled from each other and stood up

Teddy didn't say a word, but a mixture of expressions crossed his face. Anger, hurt, betrayal all flooded his senses as he struggled to process what he was seeing.

"You'll be hearing from my attorney." Was all he managed before turning to leave, heartbroken

"TEDDY! Wait…" Rayna quickly followed him out to the main living area where he was struggling to get his shoes, shirt and tie back on to leave. He was crying. Maddie woke screaming from the commotion.

Rayna quickly picked her up, trying to soothe her as she reached for Teddy.

"She wants you. Please hold her. She's missed you." Rayna said handing her to a completely distraught and heartbroken Teddy

He slumped to the couch, crying with Maddie in his arms. He held her tight against him, calming her. She sleepily laid her head on his shoulder falling back to sleep after several minutes cradled in his arms.

"I'm sorry. Nothing happened. I swear to you, I've NEVER cheated on you." Rayna sobbed after several intense silent moments between them

"I don't believe you." He answered flatly

"I don't blame you. I know this looks really bad. Can we just try to work through things civilly for Maddie's sake?" Rayna begged

"How the hell's THAT gonna work? Did you tell him?" Teddy asked pointedly

"No, please Teddy, DON'T! Not this way." She pleaded seeing the anger flash in Teddy's eyes, knowing Deacon could hear every word

"Don't what? Hell, we might as well get this all out now, Rayna! The writings been on the wall since we got married. You never forgot him. You never let him go. Do you think I don't know about the box of crap you keep hidden in the back of the closet? All your old love letters, and momentos? I was hoping maybe someday you'd get past it, realize he caused you nothing but hurt and pain. I'm the guy that picked up the pieces, remember?"

"I know. You've been an amazing father and husband. I can never thank you enough for what you did."

"…but it isn't enough, is it?" he asked

"No, I swear to you though, I didn't cheat on you. I wasn't going to. I had every intention of coming back to Nashville soon, to do this as painlessly as possible." She desperately tried to make him understand

"So you were planning to leave me? For him?" he asked getting angry again

"Yeah…" he voice trailed off as she admitted it

"What about Maddie?" He asked sadly

"Teddy, you'll always be part of her life. I never had any intention of taking her away from you."

"As what, Rayna? I knew the second you said he was on this tour there was no way in hell this wouldn't all come out. I never should have let you take Maddie on this tour. Do you know how confusing this is all gonna be for her? Did you ever consider that?" Teddy asked

"She's not even two. It's best now before she is old enough to remember." Rayna tried to reason with him

"You mean take her away from me while she's too young to remember me?"

"No, I swear to you, Teddy. If you want to be part of her life, you will always have a place. I'll make sure of that."

"I'm sure Deacon will be more than happy to share HIS daughter! What the hell's the point, Rayna? I have no legal rights here. Yeah you give your word, but you're all off on tour, one big happy musical family and where does that leave me? The poor sap that thought being there for you and her would make a difference?" Teddy hissed sarcastically

"Teddy…please…stop…"

"Why Rayna? I'm the guy that was there the night you wanted to tell him you were pregnant, but he was too damn drunk to even realize what was happening. I'm the guy that was there the night you put him in rehab for the 5th time, and cried all night feeling guilty. I'm the guy that listened to you cry yourself to sleep every night for a year over HIM, after Maddie was born. Hell, I'm surprised it took you this long to tell him."

"I didn't tell him, Teddy! I was close last night, but I deiced to wait until after we could talk. I guess that's pretty much blown to hell now." Rayna glanced down the hall. Deacon hadn't come out of the bedroom, but she knew he could hear the whole conversation. The whole bus could hear the conversation.

"It doesn't matter anymore, Rayna. Nothing about the past couple years matters. There's no point confusing her with two fathers. As always I'll do what's best for Maddie and walk away. When she's a little older, tell her I loved her like she was my own, and if she wants, she can contact me. Goodbye, Rayna. My attorney will be in touch. I'll move out before you get home from this tour." He stood up with Maddie in his arms hugging her tight as she peacefully managed to sleep through everything

Teddy stood holding Maddie for what felt like forever as Rayna cried quietly. He finally gently placed her back in the pack n play before grabbing his belongings to leave.

"I do care about you, and I love and appreciate you for everything you've been to us." Rayna stammered as he left without another word. The hurt on his face as he left broke her heart. She knew he loved Maddie like his own, and had just made the ultimate sacrifice for his daughter.

She sat watching Maddie sleep as the morning sun started to seep into the bus. She could hear rustling in the bunks, but everyone was trying to be courteous and pretending to be asleep. Deacon hadn't come out of the bedroom. She could only imagine what he was feeling as she took a deep breath, bracing herself for the walk down the hall to face him.

"Hey…guess you heard all that, huh?" she asked as she closed the door

"How's this possible, Ray?"

"I'd say the fact that you can't remember is exactly how it's possible."

"What does that have to do with you not tellin me she was mine?"

"Deacon, please try to understand. You had a very bad temper. You were violent and drinking a lot."

"You shoulda told me, Ray." He answered with tears in his eyes as he sat on the edge of the bed, unable to look at her

"Like Teddy said…I tried to tell you. Tandy brought me out to the cabin late one night. I was a few months along. You were drunk, and breaking things, glass bottles shattering everywhere. I left and went to Teddy's." she admitted

"How could you just put me in rehab, not take my calls, marry someone else, and hide my child from me?" he looked up with such sad eyes pleading for answers

"I did what I had to do to keep my daughter safe, Deacon!"

"Our daughter, Rayna! She's mine too, and you've stolen two years of her life away from me. Do you really think I would have hurt that little girl?" he asked his voice cracking

"You were a mess, Deacon. It was a chance I couldn't take while you were drinking."

"I've been sober a long time, Rayna. You could have told me when I got out of rehab."

"How could I have known that the 5th time would take, Deacon?"

"So, is that why you were so upset last night? You wanted to tell me?" he asked

"Yeah, but then I thought about Teddy. He's been a good father to her, Deacon. He's loved her like she was his own. I wanted to tell him I was gonna do it, but I swear I had every intention of telling you soon. I don't want anymore secrets between us. I love you, and last night we were so close to getting back together. Please tell me you still wanna try?" she pleaded

"I'm gonna need a little time, Ray. This is a lot to process. Right now I need to go to a meetin. I'm not gonna lie. I really want a drink right now, and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to fight this." He quickly got up to leave before Rayna could stop him

Several hours passed. He wasn't back on the bus. Rayna heard the driver start the engine and quickly ran to the front.

"We're not ready to leave yet. Deacon's not on the bus." She told the driver

"Mr. Claybourne told me he wouldn't be riding with us to Milwaukee." The driver said as he shifted into drive


	11. Chapter 11

It was nearly show time in Milwaukee. Deacon still hadn't shown up.

"Has anyone heard from Deacon?" Rayna asked as they began soundcheck

"Yeah, said he's running late. He asked me to take care of his mics and guitars. He'll be here by show time." One of the stage assistants told Rayna

"OK, as long as he's coming." Rayna replied, worry turning to irritation as she realized he was purposely avoiding her, but had contacted someone else

Deacon had rented a car to be alone with his thoughts. The Madison to Milwaukee drive was only about an hour and a half, but being on the bus after this morning's revelations, which the entire bus had heard wasn't at all appealing. He was happy Milwaukee was a two night venue, and he'd have a private hotel room later tonight away from everyone.

He'd been to 3 AA meetings today, and sat in a bar, shot of Jack in front of him for nearly an hour before walking out, leaving the shot still full on the bar.

Teddy's words haunting his thoughts

" _I'm the guy that was there the night you wanted to tell him you were pregnant, but he was too damn drunk to even realize what was happening. I'm the guy that was there the night you put him in rehab for the 5_ _th_ _time, and cried all night feeling guilty. I'm the guy that listened to you cry yourself to sleep every night for a year over HIM, after Maddie was born."_

He knew he'd hurt Rayna, put her through hell in the 11 years they were together, and apparently the first year apart. Thinking back, he was amazed she'd endured his crap for as long as she did.

Now that he was sober, and had been for more than two years, he felt horrible for everything she had to put up with in their years together.

He couldn't fault her for having doubts about his ability to be a father and husband back then, but the part he struggled with was the past two years. He'd been sober. He'd been good. He'd done it for her, but it hadn't mattered. By the time he got sober, she'd moved on, or so he thought.

He wasn't stupid. He knew it took 9 months to have a baby, and he knew he'd been with Rayna in the months near the time she got pregnant. He also knew she'd been seeing Teddy since his 4th stint in rehab, which was a few months before his 5th.

What he couldn't imagine was that she would lie to him for two years about something so important. He'd never questioned Maddie's paternity because it was incomprehensible that Rayna would keep something like that from him. There was never a reason to suspect anyone but Teddy, Rayna's new husband, was Maddie's father.

As he parked his rental car near the bus, the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach became worse. He wasn't sure if it was the flu bug he'd been fighting, or nerves about facing Rayna.

He quickly climbed onto the bus to get his belongings. He figured he'd put them in the car, and make a quick exit to the hotel before anyone else made it out of the venue after the show.

"Hey…you really need to let me know when you're running late for a show!" Rayna snapped as he passed her to climb the stage steps

"Seriously? You're gonna pull the boss card now?" he snapped back and quickly climbed the steps to avoid more confrontation

It was clear he was angry throughout the show. He made little eye contact and looked away quickly if he did. During _No One Will Ever Love You_ he stayed 3 feet from Rayna.

"Thank you Milwaukee! We love ya'll. Same time, same place tomorrow night." Rayna yelled to a cheering crowd at the end of the show

Deacon was off the stage, and out the door before she'd even managed to remove her mic and ear pieces. She tried to catch him on the bus, but found his bunk empty of his belongings.

At the hotel he checked in and asked what room Rayna was in. He dropped his stuff in his room and rushed to Rayna's room hoping to have a few minutes to say good night to Maddie before Rayna got there.

"Hi, I was just wondering if I could have a few minutes to say good night to the little one?" he asked when the babysitter answered the door

"Sure, Deacon. I just put her in her room, but she's been singing to herself on the baby monitor. I think she's still awake." The young girl smiled

"Hey, baby. How's my girl?" Deacon's heart melted as Maddie reached for him to pick her up, giving him a big smile

"De…De…" she'd been trying to say Deacon for the past couple weeks

"Yeah, sweetie. It's Deacon for now. Poor kid. You really got the short end of this stick. I don't know the first thing about bein a daddy, but I promise you I'm gonna do my best, OK?" he walked over to the large floor to ceiling window to show Maddie the city lights below

"Deacon, if you're in there, please open the door?" Rayna begged outside Deacon's hotel room

After a few minutes, she gave up. He either wasn't there, or didn't want to see her. Neither option sat well with Rayna. It hurt that he was refusing to talk, but it worried her that he was bottling his feelings up, making him vulnerable for a slip in a weak moment. She thought about checking the hotel bar, but decided to check on Maddie first, and ask the sitter to stay a bit longer.

"How was Maddie tonight?" Rayna asked as she entered the suite

"Good. I've been trying to get her to sleep. She's fighting it. I put her in her room. She's been singing to herself for the past hour, but she hasn't cried." The sitter laughed

"Can't deny she's mine. She loves to sing." Rayna smiled as she turned the volume on the baby monitor up

"Deacon's here?" Rayna asked hearing him softly talking to Maddie on the monitor

"Oh, yeah…I hope that's OK? He's only been here a few minutes. He asked if he could say goodnight to Maddie

"Yeah, yeah….it's always OK. He can see her, or take her whenever he wants." Rayna swallowed a lump in her throat, touched that Deacon was taking the initiative with Maddie, and trying to be a father

"Here, go ahead and go. I need you here again tomorrow same time like we talked about. Thanks." Rayna handed the sitter her pay and ushered her out of the suite

"You like the lights? All those people and places. Of all the people out there, you're stuck with me as a dad, kid. Not even 24 hours a dad, and already you have your old man wrapped around your cute little finger. You know that, don't you?" Deacon laughed as Maddie giggled and rubbed his scruff

"Yeah, I'd do anything to hear that little laugh. I just hope I'm cut out for this. I've never changed a diaper, or wiped a runny nose, or had to threaten a boys life. I didn't have much of a role model. Your grandpa was a mean old man. That was a long time ago. You'll never feel like your daddy doesn't want you. I promise, OK? Is that a deal?"

"Deal…Da da…." Maddie tried to say

"OK, sweetie. You need to go to sleep. It's too late for a little girl to be awake." He tried to put Maddie in her pack n play, but she started to cry reaching for him

"Hey, don't cry. You're gonna get me in trouble. You were bein good, and I came in here and riled you up again. C'mere…I'll stay for a little longer." He picked Maddie up again, laying on the bed with her on his chest.

"How about we sing, huh? I just wrote this one, about you." Deacon softly began singing a song he'd been thinking about all day

 **"Believing"**  
 **(performed by Charles Esten)**

I don't remember,  
How I got here,  
When my rose coloured glasses disappeared,  
Sometimes my fingers,  
They can lose touch,  
Start letting go of everything I love  
When I get the feeling  
That my prayers have hit the ceiling  
On those darker days when my faith has lost all meaning  
You keep me believing,

My fears are safe here  
Held in your hands  
When I'm broken,  
You put me back together again  
All that I once was,  
All I could be,  
When I've forgotten,  
Baby you remind me,  
When I get the feeling,  
That my prayers have hit the ceiling,  
On those darker days,  
When my faith has lost all meaning,  
You keep me believing

If ever your red heart starts beating blue

And all you are to me,  
Baby I'll be that for you  
When I get the feeling  
That my prayers have hit the ceiling,  
On those darker days  
When my faith has lost all meaning  
When I get the feeling  
That my prayers have hit the ceiling,  
On those darker days  
When my faith has lost all meaning

You keep me believing  
You keep me believing  
You keep me believing

Deacon quietly placed a sleeping Maddie back in her pack n play

"Night, baby. Daddy loves you." He whispered to his sleeping daughter as he turned to go

"That was beautiful, Deacon. You're going to be an amazing father to her." Rayna was trying to hold back tears as Deacon came from Maddie's room

"I didn't think you'd be back so quick." He answered flatly as he reached for the door

"Deacon! Please don't go. We need to talk about all of this, figure out where we stand?" Rayna pleaded

"Where WE stand? Rayna, you've kept my daughter from me for two years. There is no WE!" he snapped angrily

"Don't say that, babe. I love you. I want that life we always talked about, and we can have it now."

"Really? Cause I don't remember the part about you throwing my ass in rehab, getting married to another man, and hiding my daughter from me in plain sight for two damn years."

"You know why I had to do that. You couldn't stay sober." Rayna sobbed

"By the time she was born, I was sober, Rayna! …but you were already married to Teddy. Tell me somethin, when did you know she was mine?" He asked pointedly

"I always knew." Rayna answered painfully, but honestly

"Why couldn't you just tell me? I get that I was a mess, but you had other options. You didn't have to leave her alone with me, or hell even let me see her back then, but why lie?" he asked with hurt in his eyes

"She needed a father, and Teddy was willing to give her what you couldn't."

"What about you? Did you love him?" Deacon asked

"No, well..yes, but I loved him for what he was doing, not who he is. I loved him for loving Maddie."

"…and you?"

"Yeah, he loved me. Said I dazzled him."

"…but you married a man you didn't love to keep Maddie's real paternity a secret? How is anything about that logical, Rayna?"

"I don't know. Maybe it wasn't, Deacon, but think about how I was feeling. I was 3 months pregnant with my first child, estranged from my family because they didn't approve of you, you were drunk 90% of the time, and then Teddy offers to just take all the burden away."

"Why didn't you tell me later? After I'd been out of rehab a while?"

"It just got easier to keep living the lie. Teddy loved Maddie like his own. The more time went by the more it just seemed easier to let sleeping dogs lie, and you left Nashville. I didn't know where you were, or how to reach you…"

"Oh bullshit, Rayna! I was always on public tours. Everyone knew where I was! You knew my manager. You could have gotten in touch if you needed to. You chose not to." He snapped, anger building again with no logical explanation for keeping Maddie from him

"You're right, Deacon. I'm sorry. There's nothing I can say to make this right, but I do love you, and I am sorry I hurt you and Maddie."

"I'm gonna go. I can't do this anymore tonight. Maybe we can work out a schedule or somethin with Maddie. I'd like to spend more time with her. Right now, I just need to go. I can't do this."


	12. Chapter 12

The first leg of the Rayna Returns tour was coming to an end. They'd all be back home in Nashville soon for a short break before continuing with an east coast to west coast final leg.

Things were awkward and tense on the bus, the walls seemingly closing in closer by the day. It didn't help that the entire band had heard the encounter between Teddy and Rayna, and everyone assumed she'd cheated with Deacon.

What else would they think after hearing the whole awkward fiasco? Teddy sneaking in to surprise his wife at 4am, finding her in bed with her old boyfriend.

Not to mention Maddie's true paternity being divulged in such a harsh way through Teddy's anger.

Deacon remained bitter and angry regardless of what Rayna tried to do to smooth things over. He'd moved back to his own bunk, and kept a distance with Rayna both onstage and off.

She knew he was struggling with sobriety, and attending several AA meetings daily. He often disappeared for hours alone between shows and rehearsals.

She silently thanked god every time he returned sober and ready to rehearse or perform. She often heard him up late at night, unable to sleep, scribbling lyrics alone in the dark somewhere on the bus.

He was however taking his newfound fatherhood seriously.

"Go ahead and stay for the after party. I'll take care of Maddie tonight." He'd often say after shows. His pleasant, yet not so subtle way of telling her he'd like time alone with Maddie, and not her.

Her heart melted each time she'd come back to hotel rooms, or the bus, to find Maddie sound asleep on Deacon's chest, his arms cradling his daughter as she slept.

It only made her love him more, and regret the years she'd kept Maddie from him.

She longed to be in his arms again, have the life they'd always talked about. For now she was left to wonder if that would ever be possible again after such a betrayal. He'd never been so distant with her for so long. He barely made eye contact, and hadn't touched her since finding out the truth about Maddie.

"I'll call you about seeing Maddie in a couple days, let you get settled at home first." Was all he'd said as he handed Maddie back to Rayna, after kissing the little girl goodbye at the bus lot back in Nashville. He'd quickly retreated to his truck before Rayna could stop him.

"ohhh…I'm so glad to be home!" Rayna said collapsing on the couch as Tandy took Maddie from her

"How was the tour?" Tandy asked

"It's great to be back out there, but it's different now, with Maddie, and Deacon…" she trailed off short of mentioning anything about Teddy

"…and how did all that work out?" Tandy probed

"Awkward!" Rayna admitted

"Well, you know you did the right thing. Teddy is an amazing father! Where is he by the way? I thought he'd be picking you up."

"uuhhhmmm…I'm not sure." Rayna looked away, not really ready to explain what had happened a few weeks earlier

"What do you mean, you're not sure? You don't know where your husband is?" Tandy asked confused

"I'm sure he's just busy at work." Rayna lied, as the doorbell chimed

"He hasn't seen you or Maddie in nearly 3 months. He couldn't take the afternoon off?" Tandy pushed, unwilling to drop it

"Oh for Christ sake, I've been home 3 minutes! Who the hell is here already?" Rayna sighed, getting up from the couch

"Rayna Wyatt Conrad?" a well dressed man asked as he pushed a clipboard Rayna's direction at the front door

"Yes, what's this about?" Rayna asked as she signed the clipboard list

"You've been served ma'am." The man replied as he placed an envelope in Rayna's hand

"What's going on?" Tandy asked confused as she came up behind a bewildered Rayna

"I'm not sure." Rayna replied ripping into the envelope

"He certainly didn't waste much time!" Rayna slumped onto a barstool at the kitchen island as she read the divorce papers she'd just received from Teddy's attorney

"Fraudulent misrepresentation? What the hell?" Rayna snapped

"What's going on, Rayna?" Tandy asked pointedly, realizing Rayna knew more than she was letting on about Teddy's absence today

"It's a mess, Tandy! I just didn't expect Teddy to do this so quick without us talking again." Rayna swallowed a lump in her throat

"He's divorcing you? Why? I know he wasn't happy about Deacon going on tour with you, but divorce seems a little extreme, doesn't it?" Tandy asked taking the papers

"I've made such a huge mess of everything! I don't know what to do. Teddy hates me! Deacon hates me!" Rayna sobbed

"OK, slow down. Did something happen? I'm lost here." Tandy rubbed Rayna's shoulder confused by the papers and tears

"I never should have married Teddy, and lied to Deacon!" Rayna continued to sob as Tandy's cell phone rang

"Hey, Buck. Now's not really a good time. Can we talk later, at home?" Tandy said answering the phone to her boyfriend, and also Rayna's manager Bucky Dawes

"Are you with Rayna? That's why I called." Bucky said before Tandy could hang up

"uuhhh…yeah, but she just got served with divorce papers. She's pretty upset. Can we…"

"Those papers are public record!" Bucky cut her off

"She just got em.."

"I know, but the press is already on it. The grounds "Fraudulent Misrepresentation" and also the lack of a custody or even visitation decree is spawning mass speculation about what's going on." Bucky explained

"I'm not even sure what the hell is going on, Buck!" Tandy stammered

"OK, well…just let Rayna know the press is already on this. We may need to make a statement soon."

In East Nashville Deacon arrived home to a flurry of activity on his front lawn

"What the hell is this?" he snapped as he climbed from his truck, quickly grabbed his suitcase and guitar, to fight through a crowd of media people

"Are you back together with Rayna Jaymes? Is Maddie Conrad your daughter? Why was Teddy Conrad raising her as his child?" A barrage of questions hit Deacon as he slammed his front door

Downtown a similar scenario was paying out as Teddy tried to leave his office for lunch

"Mr. Conrad, why are you divorcing Rayna? Is Maddie Conrad your daughter? Is your wife back with Deacon Claybourne? Did they have an affair while on tour together?"

"Unfortunately, my marriage is over. I was misled to believe my wife wanted me to raise her daughter as my own. I love Maddie dearly, and I always will. Sadly, I have no legal rights to her. Therefore, chose not to pursue custody or even visitation."

"Is Deacon Claybourne her father?"

"I only know the paternity testing proves she's not mine. That's all I have to comment at this time." Teddy quickly escaped to his car before anymore questions were hurled at him


	13. Chapter 13

"Deacon, PLEASE…Call me back? I've been leaving you messages for 3 days. We need to talk before I make a press release." Rayna hung up. She'd left several messages, sent several texts. Deacon had only had a cell phone for a month. She knew he didn't text, and rarely turned the thing on. She'd driven by his house in East Nashville. He wasn't there day or night. He hadn't called, or asked to see Maddie since leaving the bus lot 3 days earlier.

Her phone buzzed in her hand. She quickly glanced down, hoping it was Deacon, finally calling back.

"Hey, Buck!" she answered flatly

"Nice to hear your voice too." He quipped sarcastically

"I'm sorry. I'm just tired, and stressed. So much for a few relaxing weeks at home before we go back on tour." She sighed as she glanced out the window towards the gate. Reporters had been camping there for 3 days, hoping to get a statement about the divorce, or information about Maddie's paternity since Teddy had admitted publicly to not being her father.

"Any response from Deacon yet?" he asked

"No, I've left messages, driven by his house. He's probably at the cabin. He used to go up there when we were fighting to get away from everything. There's no cell service there. I'm not sure he's even getting any of my messages."

"Well, so far Teddy hasn't said anymore to the press. I still think you need to release a statement before you go back out on tour. It may cut down on the media camp, and paparazzi following you everywhere, if you just give them a statement."

"I know, and I plan to. I just want to talk to Deacon first, make sure he's on board with going public about being Maddie's father. It's only been a month since he found out. He just seems so fragile still. I'm afraid he's not ready for all of this."

"Ready, or not…this isn't going away. It's only going to get worse when you go back on tour if you haven't addressed it, and given your side." Bucky explained

"I know. I think I'm gonna drive up to the cabin today. Can you get me a rental car? I'll need to switch cars in the private deck at Edgehill to prevent anyone following me up there."

"Yeah, no problem. I'll have it for you later today."

Dressed in baggy clothes, hat, and sunglasses Rayna made her way to the cabin. Her red locks gave her away even under disguise, but she felt safe in the SUV Bucky had rented with black out tinted windows. She still kept checking the rear view for any sign she'd been followed.

She finally relaxed 15 minutes outside of Nashville when all she could see ahead or behind her were the hilly, country, Tennessee roads.

He'd lost track of the sunrises and sunsets over the Cumberland river.

"Had it been 3 days, maybe 5?" he wondered as the sun began to drop towards the water line again

Several broken guitars were scattered about the floor. Milk crates, which held his vinyl records were dumped here and there. Furniture was overturned, white sheets that had been covering it balled in corners. Broken liquor bottles in the sink, emitting a stale whiskey odor. He'd left one full, unopened bottle of Jack on the counter. It taunted him, but he couldn't break it with the others.

Instead, he sat staring at it from across the room. His vice, his demon, his sweet release from the pain. All he had to do was twist the cap off, down the whole bottle, and forget everything for a while.

Maddie's little face kept popping into his mind. He was a father now. It wasn't just about him anymore. His mind wandered back to his own childhood, like it had so many times in the past few days. He hated his father as far back as he could remember.

Maddie's 2nd Birthday was coming up soon. There were no Happy Birthdays in the Claybourne house when he was growing up. He couldn't recall a single party, or even a sleepover with friends in his own house. His home life was a secret he kept as a child, and still rarely discussed with anyone.

Being a father was bringing back a lot of his own childhood memories. None of them good, where his father was concerned. He worried he'd fail as a father. None of his own relationships ever seemed to work out. He'd been estranged from his family since leaving Natchez right after high school.

He didn't want anything to do with his father. His mother had been heartbroken that he left. He'd tried to stay in touch with his sister, but that relationship had become strained over Rayna. He'd blown it with Rayna that 5th time she'd had to put him in rehab. Thinking back he'd hurt or pushed everyone away that cared about him.

"Why would Maddie be any different?" he wondered as he sat alone, his demeanor darkening

As she neared the cabin, she glanced at Maddie in the rearview mirror, and wondered if bringing her was the best idea. She had no idea how she'd find Deacon, or what condition he'd be in.

Luckily, Maddie had fallen asleep as Rayna turned onto the gravel road leading to the cabin. She lightly closed the driver's side door as not to wake her. Deacon's truck was there, but all seemed quiet as she stepped onto the porch.

She immediately noticed a few empty bottles in the yard. Her heart sank further as she slid the door open, a pungent, familiar odor of stale whiskey hit her.

"Deacon?" she called as she surveyed the ransacked room, bad memories flooding her senses, as she stood amid the mess

"Rayna? What the hell are you doin here?" he asked sleepily emerging from the bedroom, pulling a shirt on

"I've been leaving you messages for 3 days." She stammered, studying his face and eyes to see if he seemed drunk

"There's no cell signal here. Is Maddie alright?" he asked

"She's fine."

"OK, then…what do you want? Why are you here?" he asked, irritation in his voice growing, as he grabbed the bottle she'd picked up in the yard, and tossed it aside

"I was worried about you. All these reporters and questions. You just disappeared, like you always do when things get too hard." She answered, trying not to cry

"I'm not drinkin, if that's what you think!" He snapped as she glanced at the full Jack bottle on the kitchen counter

"Happy now? Last one!" He snapped as he grabbed the bottle, twisted the top off, and poured it down the dain

"Don't! Maddie's in the car." She snapped, as she noticed the familiar look on his face, and sensed he was about to shatter the bottle

"Why in the hell would you bring her here?" he asked calmer, as he put the bottle down

"Deacon, you're her father! You've got to stop this! You can't just run off and hide everytime things get too tough. What if she'd been hurt or sick? I need to be able to reach you. You want to be a father. You're pissed off at me for keeping her from you, but then you come up here and destroy furniture and hide from everything."

"I guess maybe Teddy was the right choice, huh?" he asked sadly

"Yeah, well…he's divorcing me! That's what you wanted, right?" she asked her voice cracking

"Is that what you want, Ray?"

"I don't know anymore, Deacon! I did what I had to do for her, and now she doesn't have Teddy. You may not be drinking, but you're still running away, and leaving me to deal with everything alone." She finally lost it and started crying

"Rayna, I….C'mere….please?" he whispered as he reached for her

"Don't! I'm leaving. If you wanna hide out here and avoid everything, you do that. If you're not ready to be a father, you tell me, right now? I'm not gonna put Maddie through this!" she pulled away, turning to leave

"I wanna do this, Rayna. I do. I just….I don't wanna screw it up, ya know?"

"There's no room for doubts here, Deacon! You're either gonna do this, or you're not. You need to think long and hard about that, before I'm gonna let you into her life anymore than I already have."

"You're right." He agreed somberly, unable to look at her

"I need to make a press statement tomorrow. Teddy filed for a divorce, and told the media he's not Maddie's father. He didn't say you are. I'm not planning to either. You do whatever the hell it is you need to do, Deacon!"

He swallowed a lump in his throat as he listened to the familiar sounds of her footsteps on the porch, her car door slam, and the gravel under the tires as she pulled away. The last time she'd walked away like that, he'd lost her for more than 2 years.

The memories of that morning flooded his thoughts. He'd never forget the sound of that engagement ring bouncing off the hardwood floor, or the pain and disappointment in her eyes as she left him that day. It was the same pain and disappointment he'd just seen.


	14. Chapter 14

He shut off the engine and sighed. There were still a couple photographers milling about his block. It had been a couple days since Rayna's visit to the cabin. She'd said she was going to make a press release, but not admit publicly that he was Maddie's father. He knew she'd done just that.

Staying at the cabin would have been his first choice, but he was down to his last can of spaghetti, last can of coke, and the fish just weren't biting.

Reluctantly, he'd cleaned up the mess he'd made, packed a few things, and locked up before heading back to Nashville.

The hour long drive in silence gave him more time with his thoughts than he cared for. He tried the radio, but it seemed every country station had to comment on Rayna's divorce, and Maddie's paternity.

The grocery store was worse, as he pushed his cart around, whispers down every isle as housewives shopped and gossiped, latest tabloid in their carts, with Rayna, Teddy, and himself plastered across the cover.

The past few years he'd gone mostly unrecognized in public. He preferred it that way, but now he was thrust into a spotlight he wasn't comfortable with. It seemed the entire store was watching him as he plucked a few items from the shelves, and quickly made his way to checkout.

" _Is that Deacon Claybourne?" he heard a whisper somewhere a few customers back in the line_

" _I know he's that kid's dad! I knew it 2 years ago!" another woman whispered back_

"Glad the whole goddamn world knew what I didn't!" he thought, as he stacked items on the checkout conveyor

" _Do you think they'll get back together, now that the cover up hubby bailed?" the same women giggled_

" _If she doesn't want him, I'll take him!" they both laughed_

" _I'm sure he's got a woman somewhere, probably several. I read a while back, he's quite a ladies man."_

" _Probably why he left when the kid came along. Family life isn't his thing."_

" _Yeah, I seem to remember a story about him being in rehab for like the 10_ _th_ _time!"_

" _He's probably the typical gorgeous musician type. Women, drugs, and drinking! I doubt rehab worked if it's been that many times."_

He wanted to turn around and tell them "I'm not THAT guy anymore!" but he grabbed his bags and quickly walked towards his truck instead

Now in front of his house, he kept his hat and dark glasses on as he climbed out of the truck. He quickly grabbed his suitcase, guitar and two grocery bags. Determined to get it all in one trip, avoiding the cameras and questions as he walked up the sidewalk and steps.

He dropped everything with a thud just inside the front door. The answering machine light was blinking with messages Rayna had left earlier in the week still waiting. His cell phone had been dead a week. No point charging it at the cabin with no signal. It beeped indicating Rayna's messages there too as he plugged it in and tossed it aside.

He showered, unpacked, and made himself dinner before the blinking light finally got the best of him. He pushed play…

" _Deacon, if you're there, please pick up? I just got served with divorce papers. They're pubic record, and things are about to get crazy. Bucky says we need to make a statement to the press. I'd like to talk to you first before I say much about Maddie. Call me when you get this?"_

The first dozen messages said much the same from a few days earlier, before she'd come to the cabin. He listened to each one anyway. As angry, and bitter as he was about the years she'd kept Maddie from him, he still loved her.

He'd loved the last few weeks of the tour, his time alone with Maddie. He missed the little girl like crazy. It had been a week now since he'd kissed her goodbye at the bus lot. Since Teddy filed the very public divorce papers, throwing them all into a public spotlight where everyone would be watching his every move, waiting for him to fail as a father.

The last message was dated just yesterday. It was Rayna again. This one had a much softer, sadder tone. He played it 3 times…

" _Hey…I was hoping maybe you'd be back. Anyway, I'm having a birthday party for Maddie, Saturday at the house around 2. I know I said some things at the cabin, but I don't want to keep her from you. She needs you. I need you, Deacon! Please call me, or just come."_


	15. Chapter 15

"Have you talked to Teddy?" Tandy asked as they decorated for Maddie's party

"No. I'd like to, but my lawyer said to let her handle it. I guess he's sayin I implied that Maddie was his before we got married."

"Did you?"

"I never said she wasn't, but I never said she was either. There was a slight chance. I mean, we'd slept together around the time, but Teddy was always so careful. Deacon on the other hand…not so much!"

"So you never actually told Teddy, she wasn't his before the paternity test?"

"Not in so many words, no. He knew I'd been seeing Deacon. He knew he'd been careful and it was slim to none that she was his, but he insisted we get married before she was born anyway, and worry about the paternity test later. I didn't argue. I felt alone and scared. I wasn't on the best of terms with you and daddy over Deacon. Deacon couldn't take care of himself, much less me and a baby. Teddy was so sure, so confident about being a father and husband. I wanted someone to take care of me for once, and at the time, Teddy did that."

"So if he divorces you saying the marriage was _fraudulent misrepresentation_ , what does that mean?"

"Nothing, really. It's just the grounds or reason, but it does look bad in the public eye, which is the last thing I need right now with this tour going on, and Deacon being on it."

"What does Deacon say about all of it?"

"He's pissed. He barely spoke to me the last few weeks on tour. When he did, it was only about Maddie. I don't blame him. I stole the first two years of his daughter's life from him." Rayna looked away, feeling guilty all over again

"I haven't seen him around since you've been home. If he wants to be a father so bad, where the hell is he?" Tandy asked accusingly

"He was doing really well with Maddie while we were on tour, but everything since we got back has thrown him into one of his moods. He's been up at the cabin, moping like only Deacon can."

"So he's not drinking, but he's still not here for Maddie, or you when you need him most?"

"Nope." Rayna answered sadly

"Why the hell did you even tell him he's her father, Rayna? Was it worth destroying your marriage?"

"I didn't tell him. Teddy did, and for your information, the marriage was going to hell long before Deacon came back, or agreed to join my tour."

"So you had some financial problems. You were taking care of it. You'd have been fine after this tour, and all the money from it. There's something you're not telling me, isn't there?" Tandy pushed

"Teddy thinks I cheated on him with Deacon, alright?" Rayna snapped

"…and did you?"

"NO! Of course not!"

"Why would he think that? Teddy has always been pretty level headed. You must have given him a reason to think…."

"Not where Deacon's concerned, he hasn't been. …but yeah, he sort of walked in on Deacon and I in the same bed. It wasn't what it looked like. Deacon was really sick one night on the bus. Those bunks are so small. I wanted him to be comfortable and get some rest."

"OK, I've heard enough." Tandy said, holding her hands up

"NOTHING HAPPENED!"

"OK, your story. I can see why Teddy's pissed, and apparently seeking a little revenge."

"Oh great. Take his side. Thanks." Rayna answered sarcastically

"I'm not taking sides here. I'm just worried about my niece. So now she has two fathers, and neither of them are here for her 2nd birthday!"

"I never told Teddy he can't see her, or be part of her life. It's his choice. I invited Deacon, but he never returned my message. I don't even know if he got it."

"What else is new? Same old Deacon. Things get tough, and all Deacon thinks about is Deacon!" Tandy snapped

"I don't need this right now, OK? He is her father! If he wants to be part of her life, I'm gonna let him."

"If he wants to be? Why is there even a question about that? It's not like it's a choice, Rayna. He knows about her now. What possible excuse makes it OK for him to just ignore that?"

"I don't know, Tandy. It's complicated with Deacon. It always has been. I don't wanna fight about it anymore. It's Maddie's day. Can we just focus on her today, PLEASE?" Rayna begged

He patiently waited as the woman behind the counter wrapped several items. He'd been in the store for more than an hour trying to decide what a 2 year old girl would want for her birthday. Having no clue, he'd finally picked a theme and went from there.

Several items in hand, he'd made his way to check out, and then customer service for wrapping. His first intent was to throw everything into a huge gift bag, but the young woman that had helped him, insisted little girls loved opening pretty wrapped packages.

Reluctantly, he'd agreed and paid $5 extra per item for gift wrapping. She'd picked out pink princess paper and bows insisting Maddie would love it. Total damage by the time he escaped the overzealous store clerk nearly $300. More than he'd intended, but he figured he'd missed Maddie's first birthday, making up for it was overdue.

He took a deep breath as he gathered the pink packages in Rayna's driveway. Lamar's Cadillac, and Tandy's BMW were parked nearby. He hadn't really considered that they'd be there. Rayna had remained pretty much estranged from them during her relationship with Deacon. He looked around as he climbed out of the truck. He'd driven by a time or two after rehab, and before he'd left Nashville for nearly two years.

It still baffled him why Rayna chose to make a life in Belle Meade. She'd grown up here, and after her mother passed, hated every second. The country club lifestyle wasn't Rayna, and yet here she was living it.

"Now or never!" he thought, as he rang the doorbell, every instinct saying run. He knew he couldn't, if he was going to be a father to Maddie

"You're here! I wasn't sure you even got my message." Rayna barely managed, shocked he'd actually shown up

"I got it!' he muttered flatly, trying to avoid her gaze

"God she's beautiful in the afternoon sun." he thought as they stood awkwardly in the doorway

"He's wearing my favorite blue dress shirt." She smiled unable to keep from looking into his eyes, so bright blue against the shirt she'd bought for him right before they broke up

"ahhhh..Come in! Let me help you with all of this. Did you buy out the toy store?" Rayna laughed as she took some of the pink packages from him

"I wasn't sure what to get. I figure she'll like at least one of em."

"Well, we're just about ready to do cake. Maddie? Come here, baby girl. Look who's here." Rayna called, and Maddie toddled into the kitchen

"De De De!" Maddie excitedly ran into Deacon's arms as he knelt to her level for a hug

"Hey, sweetie. I've missed you so much! You're so pretty in your birthday dress." Deacon stood up with Maddie in his arms, holding her tight against him

"Deacon, can you put her in the high chair?"

"Cake cake…" she pointed as Rayna came from the pantry with a candle lit cake, and began singing _Happy Birthday_

"Blow…like this…" Deacon coaxed and tried to show Maddie how to blow out the candles

"oohhhh…hot…" Maddie lamented as Deacon grabbed her little hand to keep her from touching the flame

"Blow on em…you can do it! That's my girl." He beamed as she finally figured out how to blow the two candles out

Everyone cheered as Rayna cut the cake and gave Maddie a huge piece to destroy.

"Ya'll make yourselves at home. I'm just gonna clean her up a little, and we'll be back for presents in a few." Rayna quickly ascended the stairs with a cake covered two year old

Deacon found Watty in a corner avoiding Lamar.

"Hey Wat…what's it been couple years?" Deacon shook Watty's hand

"You look good Deke. I'm glad things are falling into place for you." Watty smiled

"Yeah, been rough, but I'm good. How you been?"

"Good, good. Still doin the radio show. Still scouting local talent."

"Hey, tell Rayna thanks, but I really gotta run. I'll call her tomorrow." Watty rushed off as Lamar came their direction

"Aren't you about 2 years late to the party?" Lamar sarcastically quipped in his usual cold, business tone, cornering poor Deacon

"My invitation was a little delayed!" Deacon sniped back

"Likely excuse! Don't screw this up, Deacon. Maddie's my only grandchild…"

"Daddy, why don't you help me move all the presents to the living room floor? Rayna will be down with Maddie in a few minutes." Tandy saved Deacon before Lamar could say anymore

"Thanks, Tandy." Deacon tried to smile

"I didn't do it for you, Deacon. I just pray for Rayna and Maddie's sake you've got things together this time. Welcome back." Tandy was trying to be nice, but her contempt for Deacon was evident in her tone

"Nice to see you too! Gonna get a little fresh air. Tell Rayna I'm out back." Deacon quickly excused himself to the patio. He wanted to leave, but fought the urge to run to his truck.

"Where's Deacon?" Rayna asked concerned as she came downstairs with a freshly bathed Maddie

"He's on the patio."

"Here, go ahead and start presents. I'll get Deacon." Rayna handed Maddie to Tandy

"Hey..Are you OK?" Rayna asked, finding Deacon on the glider, leaning back, eye's closed, gently rocking

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little too tense in there. I'll deal with it." He tried to smile as Rayna sat next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder

"I hate it when you're mad at me." She softly said, surprised he hadn't pushed her away

"I hate bein mad at you." He really surprised her when he linked his fingers through hers and squeezed her hand

"I am sooo sorry, Deacon. Can we try to put all this behind us, and start over?"

"You busy later, like dinner?" he asked

"Are you asking me on a date?" she sat up, confused

"Yeah, I guess I am. Gotta start somewhere right?"


	16. Chapter 16

Tandy and Lamar both scowled incredulously as Rayna and Deacon came into the living room hand in hand, smiling.

"Tandy, would you please take some pictures of us with Maddie unwrapping her presents?" Rayna asked as she and Deacon joined Maddie on the floor

"Sure." She answered flatly

"Here, baby. Open aunt Tandy's first." Rayna shoved a large box to Maddie

"Pino!" Maddie little face lit up as she opened a toy piano

"Look, see, play like mommy does." Deacon tried to help Maddie hit the keys one at a time, but she insisted on pounding them several at a time

"Maybe guitar like daddy will be more her thing?" Rayna laughed as Maddie pounded away

"…or drums!" Deacon suggested

"OK, that's enough piano. Here, open Grandpa's."

"Books! Maybe we can read one tonight at bedtime?"

"There's a check in the front cover of the first one for her college account." Lamar quipped as Maddie flipped through the first book

"Thank you, daddy. I'll make sure it goes into her account." Lamar had started a college account the day Maddie was born

"This one's from uncle Watty." Rayna handed Maddie another box

"Bird, bird!" Maddie quipped as Rayna lifted a Bluebird shirt and stuffed Bluebird animal from the box

"How about the pile of pink ones now? I think those are from daddy." Rayna shoved a pile of pink wrapped gifts to Maddie

"Making up for last year, Deacon?" Lamar asked sarcastically

"Daddy! PLEASE!" Rayna shot Lamar a dirty look

"It's a fishing pole." Deacon tried to show Maddie the Barbie fishing pole, but she didn't seem to understand what it was

"She's never been fishing, Deacon." Rayna laughed

"That's OK. I think we'll have some cabin time real soon. We'll fix that." Deacon smiled, kissing Maddie's forehead as he took the pole and gave her the next box

"Fishy!" Maddie's face lit up as she opened a huge stuffed Nemo

"Yeah, fishy. You're gonna catch some of those with the pole." Deacon laughed as she wrinkled her little brow in confusion

"The pole had confused her, but the little pink tackle box, sunglasses, and hat seemed to be a hit, along with Nemo."

"Last one. It's a big one. Deacon, can you get the box from the corner?"

"Sure." He obliged pushing a really large, gold paper wrapped box out from the corner of the room

"Ohhhhh…" Maddie's eyes got wide as he put the large box in front of her

"What is it, big girl?" Rayna asked

"Car!" Maddie squealed with excitement

"Aint she a little young for her first car?" Deacon laughed as he helped Maddie pull it from the box

"Why don't you and daddy take it out to the driveway?" Rayna suggested as Maddie climbed into the pink motorized Cadillac Escalade

"C'mere, Crash!" Deacon joked as grabbed the little steering wheel to help her go the right direction as she crashed into the box

"Well, she's got the gas down. Steering and brake, not so much!" He laughed as he tried to keep up along side her

"He is pretty cute with her." Tandy agreed as she and Rayna watched Deacon in the driveway with Maddie

"I'm not sure who was happier opening presents, Deacon or Maddie? He's never got to experience this stuff with her before. It's bittersweet seeing how much he loves her already, and knowing I took so much away from him." Rayna wiped a tear away as she watched them

"She's only 2. She's not gonna remember a time when he wasn't here. I just hope for her sake, and yours he's ready for this." Tandy rubbed Rayna's back

"She may not remember, but Deacon will."

"You two seem to be working through it. Are you sure that's the best idea right now?" Tandy asked

"I love him, Tandy. I always have, and I always will. Marrying Teddy was a mistake that I'll have to live with, but if Deacon's willing to forgive me, I don't wanna lose him again."

"So, you're back with Deacon? I assume that's the REAL reason Teddy left?" Lamar asked from behind them

"Not officially, but we're talking." Rayna admitted, ignoring the part about Teddy

"Haven't you learned anything? He's not gonna change, Rayna! He's been bad news since the day you met him, and now you're gonna let him screw up my granddaughter's life too?" Lamar asked in a condescending tone

"It's not your decision, Daddy! Deacon is her father, and he's going to be part of her life whether you approve, or not!"

"Fine! Don't come crying to me when he disappoints you again, and he will!" Lamar snapped, grabbing his coat to leave

"Everything OK?" Deacon asked as he stood in the back kitchen doorway. Lamar slammed the front door on his way out

"Yeah, everything's fine. How'd she do with her first driving lesson?" Rayna smiled and took Maddie from Deacon's arms

"Gettin better. She's figuring out the steering part. The brake is still a little confusing. I think she's a lead foot like her mama. You always did drive too fast." Deacon smirked, crinkling his eyes

"I have places to be!" Rayna defended herself

"Uh huh, and you're usually runnin late and drivin way too fast to get there!" he laughed again

"If I remember correctly, YOU always made me late!" Rayna playfully reminisced

"I remember too, and I'm guilty."

"Well, looks like the party is over. I'll help you clean up." Tandy offered, breaking the awkwardness as Rayna and Deacon locked eyes a little too long

"I'll entertain the little one while you clean up." Deacon took Maddie back into the living room as Rayna and Tandy started clearing off the counter

It didn't take them long. Rayna found Deacon looking at pictures on the mantle of a seemingly happy Conrad family a little while later. He seemed a little distant again looking at pictures of Teddy with Maddie over the past two years.

"She sure was a beautiful newborn." He sighed as he replaced a picture from the delivery room to the mantle

"She looked so much like you, Deacon. Any doubt I had about her being a Claybourne faded the second I looked into her little face that first time. It was both the happiest and saddest day of my life. I got her, but I missed you soo much it physically hurt."

"Someday she's gonna see these pictures and ask where I was? What the hell am I supposed to tell her, Ray?"

"We have some time before that day comes, but I'm sure we'll figure it out. Tandy and I were just talking about that. She's only 2. She's not gonna remember a time when you weren't here."

"I know you have a lot of doubts about me, still. I'm not goin anywhere, Ray. She's the single best part of my life, and I'm never gonna miss another birthday, or Christmas. She'll always know her daddy loves her."

"I know, Deacon. I am so sorry for ever doubting you. She needs you, and I'll never keep her away from you again."

"What about Teddy?"

"He hasn't asked to see her. I got divorce papers. There's no mention of Maddie in them. He's not pursuing any visitation or claims to her. In fact, he's divorcing me on the grounds of _fraudulent misrepresentation_. I guess he told his lawyer I implied she was his before we got married."

"So there was a chance she was Teddy's?" Deacon asked. His memory from the time Maddie was conceived wasn't entirely clear

"Yeah, you knew I started seeing Teddy when you were in rehab the 4th time. I never lied to you about that."

"I don't remember much of anything between my 4th and 5th stints in rehab, Rayna. There are weeks of gaps. I remember bein really upset and jealous that you were seein him. I may not remember askin you to marry me at the cabin, but I do remember buyin the ring. I had every intention of doin things right. I'm not sure how I ended up proposin that night. I don't even remember pickin you up from rehearsal that day, or drivin to the cabin. All I remember was the sun blindin me, and you cryin hysterically that I didn't love you enough to stay sober. I'll never forget the sound of that ring hittin the hardwood floor, and you leavin me."

"You didn't leave me much choice, but if I hadn't gotten pregnant that night I probably wouldn't have left you. I never wanted to leave you, Deacon. If I hadn't been pregnant, I probably would have been in that parking lot after that 5th time in rehab, just like the other 4 times. It killed me to stay away from you. I did what I had to do for Maddie. I didn't know that 5th time was gonna take. All I knew was, I couldn't bring an innocent baby into that situation, Deacon. You were unpredictable, and violent when you were drinking."

"I know I hurt you a thousand times, Ray. GOD I am sorry! I'm not THAT guy anymore. I am the man you always wanted me to be, and I know you did what you had to do for our little girl. I get that now, cause there is nothin I wouldn't do to protect her. She's my little girl, and I love her so much more than I ever thought I could love anyone." He smiled with tears in his eyes as he watched Maddie play nearby

"Sorry to interrupt, but I gotta run. Do you still want me to watch Maddie later?" Tandy asked

"uuhhhmmm…ya know, I think we could use some family time. Are you OK with staying in tonight, Deacon? We can order dinner, and watch movies here. Maddie has missed your guitar playing at bedtime since we've been off the bus. I know it's kinda that mundane family stuff, but…"

"That mundane family stuff is just what I've been waitin for, Ray. I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else, but here with my girls."

"I guess we won't be needin a sitter tonight." Rayna smiled as Tandy said goodbye to Maddie and left

"I thought she'd never leave." Deacon smirked before pulling Rayna into his arms for the first kiss they'd shared in nearly 3 years

"Do you have any idea how much I've missed you?" Rayna whispered breathlessly

"I might need a few more kisses like that to make sure." He laughed before another deep, passionate kiss, followed by a trail of kisses down her neck line

"Let me go call Tandy before she gets very far. I think we may need that sitter after all." Rayna barely escaped Deacon's wandering hands

"Kiss." Maddie laughed as Deacon picked her up snuggling her with his scruff until she giggled

"You want kisses too, huh?" he laughed as she rubbed his scruff with her chubby little hands

"Well, Tandy's not answering her cell. So much for THAT!" Rayna seemed disappointed as she came back wrapping her arms around both Deacon and Maddie

"It's alright, baby. We'll get some time alone after she goes to sleep. How about an early bedtime? You've already had a bath after that cake mess. Few songs, maybe a story?" Maddie just squealed as Deacon snuggled her

"I hate to tell you, babe, but after all the sugar today, she's not goin to sleep anytime soon." Rayna laughed

"Ohhh…I guess I need to brush up on my toddler 101. Too much sugar for her equals no sugar for me." He leaned in and stole a quick kiss from Rayna

"Kiss." Maddie squealed louder

"Kiss, kiss, kiss….like this? You want more kisses? C'mere you little sugar monster!" Deacon had Maddie rolling around on the floor squirming away from his scruff kisses, squealing

"I'll order a pizza. Why don't you show daddy all your movies, baby? Maybe he'll watch one with you." Rayna couldn't help but smile as Deacon played on the living room floor with Maddie for several hours. Disney movies played in the background as she squealed.

"Hey, babe…she's finally out. Why don't you carry her upstairs to her bed?" Rayna whispered, waking Deacon with soft, sweet kisses

He'd fallen asleep with Maddie snuggled against him, under a blanket and pillow fort, in the middle of the living room.

"I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to fall asleep on you. Little shit wore my ass out. No more sugar." He laughed as he gently picked Maddie up, careful not to wake her

"Why don't you put her in her bed, and then you can join me in mine?" Rayna whispered with an ear nibble

"That sounds like an offer I can't refuse." He smiled as he slowly moved towards the stairs, afraid of waking Maddie

"Night baby girl. Happy Birthday. I love you." Deacon whispered as he tucked the covers around Maddie and kissed her little forehead

"yuv you daddy." Maddie muttered in her sleep

"Deacon, what's wrong?" Rayna asked as he wiped a tear from his cheek, sitting on the edge of her bed

"She called me daddy for the first time. I don't think I've ever heard sweeter words."

THE END


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